A guide to coping with grief during the holidays

For those who have lost loved ones, the holiday season can be a painful time, with potential “trigger” points in songs, movies, cards, pictures, and even TV advertising. During this season which celebrates love and family time, feelings of loss—especially, though not exclusively, recent loss—can often feel greater. Here are a list of suggestions for ways to cope with any pangs of grief this time of year brings up.

  • There is no right way to honor a loved one during the holidays, and each person is special. With who you want to remember in mind, choose activities that are meaningful to you and help honor your loved one. Trust that the way you feel is part of the healing process. Experiencing the pain rather than smothering it may be difficult, but can help you better in the long term.

  • Set boundaries and don’t force yourself to be ok. Choose to attend certain events and traditions and not others. At this sensitive time, you don’t have to try to please everyone. Instead, focus on what you can contro,l such as limiting decorations or shopping only online for gifts. Choose a few things and assert control over your holiday cheer, keeping in mind that others may not share the same grief and it’s OK to have different emotions.

  • Planning ahead for celebrations and creating a simple plan or escape plan can help you feel more relaxed and likely to enjoy the activity. Allow yourself to feel a wide range of emotions from joy, guilt, sadness, to happiness.

  • If you’re in charge of preparations, before the holiday season, talk to family and friends to see how everyone is feeling. Decide whether it is best to continue old family traditions or try new family traditions together.

  • An important part is marking the memory of the person that has died by doing something special. Some options include visiting a special place, lighting a candle, or buying a decoration to put in the house. It may be important to visit the grave or a place that reminds you of the loved one in remembrance of their presence, especially during a time where you may feel a loss of their presence. You can ask others close to the loved one to share their memories or write down a note to the loved one and you can bring them to the grave, a place that reminds you of them, or around your house as tokens of remembrance. Choose music, food, or an activity that reminds you of them as a sign of remembering their presence in your life. 

Some other ideas include:

  • Light a candle at the table during special occasions

  • Plan a remembering celebration to exchange stories about your loved one and share some things your loved one enjoyed whether it’s food, music, or activities. 

  • Journal and make a list of the ways your loved one enriched your life and continues to influence you. Or, complete these grief worksheets that provide a structured way to process grief.

  • Create a permanent memorial for that person whether it’s a park bench, planting a tree, knitting a sweater, etc.

  • Set up a memorial scholarship fund or donate to organizations in your loved one’s name. 

Additionally, here are some suggested books to read:

Holidays have the power to bring up memories of good times past and remind survivors, sometimes painfully, that your loved one isn’t here. If you are struggling with the holidays, you may want to reach out for support. Do a search for support groups, or look at our articles How to Build and Strengthen Emotional Health or Get Emotional Support. You will get through this time, and you can do so in a way that honors the memory of your lost loved one by cherishing the times—including the holidays—that you were able to spend together.

— Jisu Lee

grievingJennifer Goodgrief situations, grief resourcesComment