How to grieve a traumatic or violent death
Coping with the traumatic death of a loved one - by murder, accident, or suicide - is one of the most severe challenges anyone can face. It can make the death feel profoundly unjust, even meaningless, and shatter one’s assumptions about the world, oneself, and others. Below, we offer advice gleaned from studies and health professionals on how to get through this profoundly difficult situation.
What is traumatic death?
A 2015 study defined traumatic loss as “A death [that] occurs without warning; if it is untimely; if it involves violence; if there is damage to the loved one’s body; if it was caused by a perpetrator; if the survivor believes that the loved one suffered; or if the survivor regards the death, or manner of death, as unfair and unjust.”
Generally speaking, it has been shown that traumatic, and especially violent, deaths, lead to increased distress. When a loved one dies violently, it shakes you to your roots. Many people live with the assumption that the world is a predictable and safe place, that they are generally secure, and that other people can be trusted. When the agony begins, it can be impossible to imagine that there is any way to ever find the slightest relief.
How to cope after a traumatic death
With traumatic events, many people are haunted by pictures in their minds of the traumatic event. While this is usually most relevant for eye-witnesses, television or other pictorial mediums can also “bring home” the awfulness of the way a person might have died. The images may be triggered by any reminder of the loss, e.g. loud noises, cries or shouts.
Haunting images can sometimes be eased by talking to others and going over the events. It may be hard to refocus, but actively try to change your mental picture to something calming. If you know the person was impacted by violence, picture them doing something they enjoyed. Use this to displace the disturbing image.
Death or injury by violence is unexpected; you can’t prepare for it. Because it is shocking and feels senseless, it may cause you to struggle with all the “if-onlys”: “If only he had taken a later flight.” This may translate to survivor’s guilt for some: “Why them and not me?” Focusing on questions without answers can leave you feeling powerless and unable to move forward.
It may be helpful to ask a different question: “How can I respond to this event in a meaningful way?” The answer might be a small gesture, such as a promise to show your kids how much you love them. Or it could mean getting involved in a group that supports change, or reflects on the incident somehow. Examples include participating in causes that build mental health awareness, like the National Alliance on Mental Illness, or work to end domestic violence with the Center for Survivor Agency and Justice. Also, click here for a list of grief support groups addressing a number of different scenarios.
(Note: Depending on when you’re reading this article, you may be limited in your number of options because of the pandemic. Here is a list of the best grief support resources that are online-only.)
In addition to the customary activities that help with grief, including meditations, those who have experienced the traumatic death of a loved one may find it helpful to:
Visit the place where the person died
Talk with others involved
Place a wreath or other memorial token in a significant place
Attend memorial services or other rituals of remembrance
Journal or fill out grief worksheets that help process the trauma