How to grieve a loved one who has been lost to suicide
It is always difficult to process and talk about a loved one’s passing. But there are unique challenges to grieving suicide, challenges that arise out of shame, social stigma, and the questions that linger after such a profoundly tragic event. Below, we talk in detail about what makes it hard to process the complex emotions that arise, and offer tips and resources to overcome the burden one might be facing.
After a death by suicide, feelings of anger at the person who died can accompany those feelings we more naturally attribute to grieving, such as sadness, pain, and guilt. Some individuals even report a sense of relief that arises, especially in cases where an individual’s life was marked by emotional instability, substance abuse, mental illness, or other challenges. (For more on how to grieve a loved one who passed away because of substance abuse, please click here.) These multiple and conflicting feelings can create tension, leaving grievers exhausted and confused.
Additionally, various questions may go through one’s mind in an attempt to understand what has happened. What was it in the end that made a loved one feel life wasn’t livable? Was there something that could have been done differently to save them? Some people report replaying the circumstances of a loved one’s final moments in their mind in an attempt to understand.
Whether the suicide of a loved one came as an unexpected shock, or whether it arrived at the end of a challenging and unstable existence, family and friends who are left behind often might feel like they have to explain what has happened and even offer justifications for the situation. They may even need to deal with police or handle press or other inquiries depending on the situation. These additional burdens complicate the grief process.
The biggest obstacle, however, may be the stigma attached to suicides. Shame over the tragic circumstances causes some people to be afraid to open up about the death. Family differences over discussing suicide may make it difficult to speak openly even among one’s own circle. Some may decide to keep the circumstances of death a secret from others—especially in cases where young people are involved—resulting in isolation and confusion that lasts for years. (For help in talking to young children about suicide, please click here.)
Because of these obstacles, one may feel deprived of the usual tools one may have otherwise depended on in the past when dealing with grief. But one should still try to pursue healthy coping strategies after taking the time necessary to grieve. The Mayo Clinic offers some coping strategies, which include:
keeping in contact with others
finding your own way to grieve via remembrances, memorials or some other ritual
preparing yourself for painful reminders and expecting setbacks
sharing your story with others who may be experiencing similar emotions
joining a support group for families affected by suicide