How to talk to young children about death

Sometimes, children may witness the passing of a family member before they are old enough to understand what death is. Children’s grandparents are often the first people in children’s lives to pass away. As a parent, elder sibling, or relative, you not only have to bear through the pain of grieving but now also have to explain what their passing means to a child for the first time. It’s a conversation one must have eventually, but first, there are a few things the adult must understand about children and their ability to process emotions. 

When first told that a family member has “died” or “is no longer with us”, children might not immediately understand what that entails. In cases of terminal illness, children may notice the person becoming visibly more ill until the person passes away motionless in their bed or hospital room in a somber environment. While children may not seem sad, they can definitely sense the emotion of people. Children can sense adult emotions such as sadness from as young as 18 months. However, children may not express their grief or sadness the same way as adults do, and have different ways of expressing their emotions depending on their age. Some may become more withdrawn, while some may simply want to return to play; neither response should be considered as indifference on the part of the child. Below are some actions you can take to help your child understand death and support them through their own grieving process:

• Explain the situation directly and honestly: If you are the parent or primary caregiver to a child, speak to them yourself and do not be afraid to use the words such as “died” or “dead”. Avoid using euphemisms such as “grandpa is taking a long nap” or “grandpa is gone” as children may interpret these literally and have false hope for their return.  Instead, explain to them that the person’s heart stopped beating or that they are no longer breathing, and that the child will not be able to see them anymore. Telling children the truth may sound harsh, but it avoids confusion for the child and may help them learn how to mourn.

• Give yourself and your child time and space: Coming to terms with a loss and having to explain it to your child can be difficult. Allow yourself to express your emotions while talking to the child. Doing this will help the child understand that crying is ok and that they, too, can openly express their emotions. Just as you need time to grieve, the child will also need time to process what just happened. They might not be themselves for a few days, isolating or becoming noticeably quieter. Every child has their own way of grieving and processing such news. However, do try to maintain the child’s daily routine, as structure may provide a sense of security in the child

• Comfort and reassure them: If you notice your child becoming anxious or sad, encourage them to talk about their thoughts and feelings. Children like to view their parents or caregivers as resources whom they can rely on to share their emotions with and this will help them feel more secure and reassured. While it is important to let the child grieve, try to engage in activities that the child loves such as art or playing in the park, as this will help their healing.

Overcoming a loss is a slow process that takes time. The child and the household’s activities may change moving forward. After the first few days of breaking the news to the child, there are also other considerations to keep in mind for the future. Firstly, tell your child about what to expect at the upcoming funeral, and give them the option of attending or missing it. This will help them be more prepared if they choose to attend, but the child should not be forced to do so as the event might overwhelm them. In the longer term, be prepared to answer questions about the deceased from the child and ask them to share their thoughts and feelings. It is also suggested that you hold some rituals or plan other things to help the deceased be remembered. You can find a few ways to remember a loved one here. Finally, remember to take care of yourself too. Maintaining good mental and physical health will help you raise the child as a parent or caregiver and maintain a positive environment for their development. 

Being a caregiver or a parent in a time of struggle and years afterward can be emotionally draining. If you feel overwhelmed, we suggest enlisting the help of your mental health expert. If you would like to find a grief therapist, visit this page. If you would like to read further on explaining death to your children, this article has some useful recommendations. We hope these tips are helpful during this difficult time, though we do encourage you to seek professional advice as well.

— Kevin Chen