How to grieve and mourn the victim of an overdose death

Grieving and mourning are personal, individualized experiences. The sequential “five stages of grief” model ignores the fact that there is no one correct journey to healing, and that our connections to a lost loved one, and our reaction to their passing, are unique.

This becomes particularly true when grieving an overdose death. There are a variety of factors that intensify, or complicate, feelings experienced while grieving a victim of drug addiction. Though no one should feel the need to validate or justify emotions that arise during the grieving process, this guide works to highlight the ways in which grieving an overdose victim may be particularly unique, and offers assistance and resources in managing that process.

When grieving the death of an individual with a substance use disorder, it is first of all important to acknowledge the fact that guilt and regret are natural, reasonable feelings. Constant questioning may follow an overdose, and despite awareness that the decisions your loved one made were ultimately theirs, this questioning may persist.

One reason this may occur is the fact that the families and friends of those struggling from drug addiction received varying opinions on how best to treat their loved one’s addiction while they were alive. Experts may have offered contradictory advice, some recommending showing support while others said the user should be allowed to hit rock bottom. This mixture of “best” treatment options contributes to uncertainty after an overdose: “What if I treated their issue differently?” While it may be difficult to recognize, the fact is that there was truly no correct course of action, and though this realization takes time to accept, it can lead to healing.

It is also important to recognize that relief is an acceptable reaction to an overdose death. Though difficult to acknowledge, it may be easier knowing your loved one is at peace after fighting a battle against addiction. Additionally, relief may be found in no longer needing to worry about your loved one’s whereabouts, why they are unable to be present or answer their phone, etc. These feelings are not insensitive. Rather, they are genuine feelings that reflect how much you cared for your loved one. And while you may experience guilt for thinking these thoughts, this guilt does not change the validity of your feelings.

Another complication that arises is the number of questions that remain after an overdose, often regarding the deceased’s final moments. Was the overdose intentional? Who was the last person the deceased spoke with? Was there pain? Did someone enable them? Many overdose deaths occur after periods of recovery, meaning the suddenness of the death compounds this questioning. Often these questions will not be answered, and this lack of closure is uncomfortable.

Some questions can and will be answered, but may not lead to closure. For example, toxicology reports are usually sent to a family around a month after the death. Occasionally, this toxicology report lists drugs the family was unaware their loved one was using, perhaps because the stigma associated with drug use necessitated secrecy. These residual questions and answers prolong the grieving process and require more time to heal.

Yet the greatest roadblock in the overdose grieving process is the stigma associated with drug use. Often, family and friends avoid describing the circumstances of their loved one’s death due to society’s perception of drug use, drug users, and/or what family and friends of such people must be like. Consequently, they may feel obligated to cover up these facts, a painful process in and of itself.

They may also prefer to only focus on the deceased’s positive achievements. Yet, good grief listeners recognize the fact that the circumstances of death do not overshadow one’s life impact. A disease does not define one’s life, and those suffering from addiction brought good into world.

Due to the particular uniqueness of emotions experienced during the overdose grieving process, there are groups specifically dedicated to supporting those grieving and mourning an overdose. This post offers a variety of resources for those looking for a support group comprised of those grieving addiction and overdose deaths.

Ultimately, an understanding of the unique challenges associated with grieving an overdose death leads to compassion for those who are healing. Greater awareness, and less of a stigma on addiction and overdose deaths, are necessary conditions for making overdose grieving and mourning a more comfortable and manageable process.

— Jon Scalabrini