How to talk to children and young people about suicide

Explaining death to a child is difficult, but can seem manageable in comparison to discussing that someone they know and love has passed away from suicide. Because adults often want to protect children from death, they may be asking themselves, “How much should I tell them?” Here you will find suggestions for how to have this difficult but necessary conversation.

When explaining death to a child, it is generally accepted that you should be open, honest, clear, and direct. Though children are always aware and will pick up when something has occurred, they may struggle to understand the concept of suicide. Give truthful and straightforward information about the death to avoid confusion. Without clear information, children tend to “fill in the gaps” and imagine all sorts of things, which are often worse than reality.

Be consistent with your explanation. Use language that is comfortable and understandable. It is good to ask children what words they would use to describe death, allowing them to process the information in ways they can understand. One way to do this is to provide them with worksheets to help them catalog and deal with grief. For access to such worksheets, please click here.

While it is important to be direct and honest, children need time to process information. A simple initial explanation can be provided first, then built on in the future. It will help to provide young children with a simple story, one that they can retell as they slowly make sense of what has happened.

Explaining successfully that the death was a suicide may depend on what the child knows already. Use sentences that demonstrate that the person took their own life, and maybe even how. For example, you may initially start with “they made themselves stop breathing.” Small pieces of information may be enough for children as they are given time to process at their own speed.

If they ask a question, and you don’t have answers, most children are content to be told, “I wish I knew.” You can also try to sympathize with the complex emotions they are experiencing by admitting “I have lots of questions too.”

The pace will be influenced by the situation, the child, those surrounding the child or younger person, and their age or developmental understanding. The process can take a few days, or several years, to complete. Try to remain open to and observant of the child’s questions for clues on how to proceed. If a child says they don’t want to hear more about it, make sure they can come back to you for more information when they feel ready.

Finally, crying in front of children will not damage or harm the child. It is good to explore feelings with children. Mourning out loud helps children understand and become aware of what is happening around them. With encouragement and guidance, it is possible to help children explore rather than keep their emotions locked away, making grief more complicated. Some days it will be easier to communicate, and other days it will feel tougher.

If broken into steps:

• Explain that the person has died.

• Give simple details about how they died.

• Say the person took their own life.

• Provide a more detailed explanation.

• Explore possible reasons / other questions. 

Finding the right way to talk to younger children can be daunting, but the principle remains the same - tell the truth, as far as you know it, in language that they can understand. Having a shared experience prevents the need for secrets and the possibility of isolating younger children during a time of grief. Conversations may be difficult and upsetting, but afterward, you will feel relieved you could be honest and provide your child with a solid foundation to process the loss. Lastly, if you yourself are having difficulty processing the emotions arising from a death by suicide, please click here for help.

— Jisu Lee