When grieving, here's what to do when people say the wrong thing

We’ve looked into how to do and say the right things to someone is grieving. But we don’t spend enough time talking about what you can do when you’re on the receiving end of one of those comments. When you’re grieving, you may find that people try to insert themselves into your grief in ways you don’t want. Perhaps it is giving you advice, or asking you questions you aren’t comfortable with.

Whatever form it takes, here are a few suggestions for how to state your needs and set healthy interpersonal and relational boundaries with others.

Note their intentions

While people may say or do the wrong thing, they still likely have good intentions. They may rush you because they don’t want you to be sad or suffering anymore, or perhaps they are looking for a silver lining.

When someone says the wrong thing, take a moment to reflect on their intention. More often than not, people say the wrong things out of not knowing what to say or how to say it. Still, that doesn’t always soften the blow or impact of what was said. Try to perspective shift to see where the other person is coming from, even if they aren’t able to. 

Provide feedback

Telling others that their words were hurtful or not accurate is another way to deal with challenging situations caused by a thoughtless remark. This can look as simple as just acknowledging what was said, but may also involve educating or correcting the person, or even expressing anger.

The goal is to be truthful about what has happened and to be authentic in your response. A little bit of effort giving feedback and making your needs known to a well-intentioned friend can go a long way. 

Disregard or walk away 

Not all words have the same impact, and the impact of words people say to us often depends on lots of factors (i.e. timing, context). Some words can easily be ignored or brushed off. There may also be times where it may be most helpful to your well-being to change the subject altogether - while other times, others’ words may leave us feeling hurt and shaken especially in times of grieving. If you feel the need to respond, then do so, but it’s also okay to let things slide when you don’t have the emotional or mental capacity to respond. 

Of course, there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to deal with your support system. It will vary based on the situation and the person or people in your life. In any instance, you’ll want to assess who the person is, how close you are with them, and so forth.

When a close friend or family member makes an unhelpful comment or untimely suggestion, it can feel like a failure of empathy from the people trusted to be there for you. It’s about more than words; setting boundaries helps maintain healthy and appropriate physical, emotional, and spiritual limits.

— Jamie Lim