Tips on how to keep in touch with friends and family after the death of a loved one

Keeping in touch with loved ones after a death isn’t easy. You’re grieving. They’re grieving. Emotions are complex, and sometimes the death brings out additional conflict and unpleasant feelings. Other times you just don’t have the energy to call anyone or plan anything.

Yet, ultimately the day comes when you come up for air and realize months (or years) have passed and you have lost touch with people who were important to you, or to your loved one. Or, on the flip side, maybe you try to maintain a relationship, but for whatever reason they don’t reciprocate. In either case, the pain of this ‘secondary loss’ kicks in. You realize that you have not only lost you loved one who died, but you have lost your relationship with their family or friends as well.

So, what can you do? The following are things you can do to try to maintain relationships after a death.

1. Plan a monthly dinner. You could do it at home (pot luck style, to make it easy) or go to your loved one’s favorite restaurants.

2. Make use of technology. Keep in touch via email, social media, and texting. You may not be up for conversations or dinners early on, but a quick note can let people know you want to keep up a connection and are thinking of them, even if you aren’t ready to get together in person.

3. Make plans for holidays. The first holiday after a loss can be confusing, especially if the person who died was key in planning and bringing people together for holidays. Reach out to family members early to let them know you want to carry on with the same tradition, despite the loss.

4. Create a memorial website or Facebook page. This may not seem like ‘staying in touch’ but it is actually a great way to create a central place where all come to post comments, memories, photos, video or share grief struggles.

5. Make plans for birthdays and anniversaries. These can all be tough days and, if you have lost touch with friends or family, you may feel especially alone and isolated. Don’t let these days creep up on you. Instead, reach out to friends and family in advance to let them know you want to spend the day with them.

6. Make a list of the people you want to stay in touch with. This seems silly, but sometimes in our grief we are so self-focused that years pass and we suddenly realize the good friend of our spouse, or our child’s college roommate, or our mom’s cousin has fallen totally off our radar. Having a list can help you remember the people you want to keep a connection with at a time in life when it is hard to remember anything!

7. Plan a new tradition. Be it for your loved one’s birthday or around any other day, plan something you will hold every year in memory where you will invite the friends and co-workers of the person who died. If everyone knows it will happen every year, they can block the day. Even if time passes and you lose touch with some of those more distant friends of your loved one, you will still have this set time to connect with them at least once a year.

8. As Nike has taught us, Just Do It. Sometimes the hardest part is taking the initiative to pick up the phone or to send the email, especially when you are grieving and have no motivation at all. Pick a day that you will make a couple calls or send a couple emails to initiate contact or make plans and (this is the important part) actually follow through. Tell one of your friends which day you plan to make the call and then ask them to check in with you to make sure you really did it. We all need a little accountability sometimes.

Keep in mind that, if the other person does not reciprocate, you can’t control that. Do your best, but at some point, you may have to accept that there are relationships that will be lost, even if only temporarily.

Whichever approach you take, be sure to reach out and let the person know you regret not being in better touch. Chances are they may have similar regrets. Let them know why you are reaching out now. There may be many reasons, and they may be obvious, but it will help to give the person context for where you are now in your life, grief, etc and why you want to get back in contact. Most importantly, don’t be scared to talk about your loved one. This may be the only connection you have to each other, and it is absolutely okay for that person to remain a part of your relationship.

— Jamie Lim