What to say, and not say, to someone who is grieving

Losing a beloved family member or a friend is never easy. How do you possibly find the words to explain the loss? What do you say when someone passes?

According to Death and Mortality Statistics provided by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, around 7,500 people die each day in the United States. By the time you reach your 50s and 60s, you’ve most likely had a personal experience with death - either of a parent, or of other close family members or friends.

And yet, after hearing the news that someone has died, it never becomes easier to know what to say to loved ones. Seeing the sorrow and pain of others may be uncomfortable. Or you may be wrestling with your own feelings and understanding. Death exposes us to a sense of finality and helplessness. Those feelings alone are difficult to deal with in yourself, and may not translate to being appropriately supportive. You may wonder if your condolences really make people feel better or how you could even put grief into words.

Here are five expressions to avoid when someone has passed, coupled with loving alternatives the bereaved may need to hear in the midst of their grief.

1) What not to say: “You’re so strong.”

Speaking to a grieving person’s resilience may sound like a good idea, with harmless intentions. But in the beginning especially, the bereaved is likely still processing the situation. What appears to be strength may really be the shock speaking. Not only that, but such words may set an expectation for behaviors or attitudes that are impossible to live up to. They may also be occupied with making arrangements, causing it to appear like they’re handling the death particularly well only to find that the weight of it all hits a few months later.

What to say instead: “I can see you’re hurting. This is really hard.”

Instead of noting the grieving person’s toughness, go the opposite direction and acknowledge their pain. Simple statements can often be the most empathetic. “This must be terrible” or “I miss them, too” can validate their feelings and let them know it’s okay to mourn. Don’t gloss over their feelings - let them have the chance to grieve fully and without judgment.

2) What not to say: “At least she isn’t suffering anymore”

During a personal and confusing time, it’s better to be cautious than assume a belief system that the griever may not uphold. Such phrases like “Things happen for a reason” or “They’re in a better place” can seem to de-emphasize the pain he or she is feeling in the moment. We know navigating death is scary and stressful, so we try to think the best for the person who died. But the reality is, you must be comfortable being uncomfortable, and that may mean watching someone hurt. The person is still gone and not with them - and that’s what is hard about loss. You may feel helpless in realizing nothing you say will fix anything. However, when you acknowledge that there is nothing you can say to take away the pain, the pressure is lifted from having to say the “right” thing.

Whatever you do, avoid “at least” - “At least they went fast,” or “At least you had a good marriage.” The “at least” conveys to the other person that this is how they should think about the situation. This can do more harm than good, because grief is so private and personal.

What to say instead: “I don’t know what to say - I just want you to know I care.”

Instead of offering your wisdom, keep it unassuming and heartfelt. A simple “I’m so, so sorry,” is perfectly appropriate. And if you can’t find the words, remember that it’s okay to be at a loss for words. Expressing this by saying “There are no words” serve as words of sympathy.

Most importantly, just be there. You don’t need to find the right words if you can’t. The gift you give is your caring presence for someone and your acceptance of whatever it is that they are experiencing or struggling with.  

3) What not to say: “Call me if you need anything.”

This is an invitation not to call somebody. Vague, open-ended offers such as “Let me know if there’s anything I can do” may feel right in the moment, but you’re also putting the initiation of communication on the bereaved. Not only are they preoccupied during this difficult time, but they may not want to be a burden to you by asking for help. Or, they may not know what they need. In such a time, just getting the energy to ask is very difficult. 

What to say instead: “I’m coming over to take you out to lunch.”

Turn a vague offer into a specific, practical need and take care of it. Earlier on, these offers may be related to the funeral or memorial service, such as picking family up from the airport or providing breakfast that morning. Later, it could be any errand to help the grieving get by, such as grocery shopping or child care. Even just a cup of coffee can go far. Whatever happens, be sure to follow through on your commitment and promises.  

4) What not to say: “How are you?”

While it’s encouraged to check in on a grieving person, such a question usually elicits a distanced response: “Fine.” “Good.” “Taking it day by day.” As something we say to everyone, all the time, it may not communicate that you’re genuinely interested in your loved one’s feelings.

What to say instead: “How are you feeling today?”

Make your question purposeful and keep it in the present. It gives people a chance to actually talk and conveys your compassion, concern, and interest in what they are experiencing - how they are today. Other alternatives include: “How are you feeling right now?” or “How are you coping” or even “How are you managing all this?” All focus on the current state of things, reducing the odds of a reflexive response.  

5) What not to say: “It’s been a year already.”   

There’s a societal expectation that we move on from death fairly quickly. The problem is, heartbreak does not have a schedule. Time is different for someone who is grieving, and a year can feel like just the beginning - the first birthday without them, the first holidays without them. What’s more, many people who have lost a loved one find the second year harder. The realities of the long-term kick in, and the sobering thought of this reality sets in.

What to say instead: “I know you still miss her. I do, too.”

Don’t gloss over grief as time moves on; acknowledge that your loved one may still be in pain months or years later. Then, do your best to support them through milestones. Remember special dates like holidays or birthdays with notes or a phone call. Share a memory of their loved one even if you feel like you’re not in the inner circle - you’re giving them a perspective on that person that they’d never otherwise get the chance to have.

And don’t forget the everyday, either: Write down reminders for yourself to connect with them throughout the year. When in doubt, reach out and just be there. Surprisingly, many people never reach out because they are uncomfortable or fear saying the “wrong” thing. Rather than focusing on helping yourself get through the uncomfortable moment, be there and be present for the grieving person.

— Jamie Lim