Tips on how to face the challenge of grieving as a parent

In times of great personal loss, it is common for parents and caregivers to have to play two roles: griever of their own loss, and supporter for others. However, it’s important that parents and caregivers are given space to fully acknowledge the depth of their own loss – to express their feelings, thoughts, experiences, and relationship with the person who died. Instead of simply establishing a barricade between one’s child and one’s emotions, here are three things to keep in mind that will help to balance the demands of grief and parenting. 

Share your grief with your child in an age-appropriate way.

Emotions related to grief often wash over us unexpectedly. You might be cleaning the kitchen one moment and huddled at the kitchen sobbing the next. Because of your grief, your child may see you in emotional pain for the first time in their lives, and children may especially experience anxiety related to perceived differences in the household dynamic. 

Remember, though, that children also look to adults in their lives to model behavior. It is important to talk to your child in an age-appropriate way about your grief and reassure them that you can still take care of them. Communicate the broad themes about your grief and when children are ready to absorb more information, they will often come to you.

For more on how to talk to young children about death, read our article here.

Maintain connections with other supportive adults.

When grieving and parenting, it is often inappropriate to share the full depth of your grief with your child.  Grieving often requires unpacking a variety of complex emotions about your relationship to the deceased, and children typically do not know all aspects of the adults’ relationship. Plus, your child will be grieving based on their own relationship with the deceased.

Thus, whether it means staying involved with other family members, faith-based communities, or seeking out a licensed professional counselor, it is important for parents and caregivers to maintain connections to supportive adults. Maintaining a connection to other supportive adults is one way a parent or caregiver can still discuss their relationship in its complex fullness while allowing space for their child to grieve in their own way. 

Find time, and space, in your daily life to move in and out of intense emotion.

When grieving and parenting simultaneously, it is important to make space for your own grief. This could mean ensuring you have some quiet minutes each day to cry or write in a journal or hold a conversation with your loved one who has died.

Child and family therapist Stephanie Handel says, “When you are grieving and really mindfully taking care of someone else who is also actively grieving, you have to find these sacred spaces that are very contained, individual, and personal so you can have your grief and then you can shift.” The key is not to pretend our own grief doesn’t exist, but to carve out space in your life to explore it in its fullness.

There is no timeline or schedule for grief. Instead, think of grief like a wave that suddenly crashes against the shore, recedes, and then crashes again. Emotions rise up unexpectedly, and can be overwhelming. While there may be times when you need to think clearly enough to make decisions in the best interest of your child, your own grieving is just as important. We hope some of the suggestions above will help you through this process.

— Jamie Lim