How to show support to a friend who is grieving

Just as losing someone close to us is difficult, watching a friend lose someone they were close to can be hard to navigate as you figure out how to best support them. During this time, they may reach out and ask for support, or they may be overwhelmed and not even sure where to begin. This is a time to step in and offer support, and listen to what it is they need. We have put together some tips of how you can support one of your friends that you know has recently lost someone and how you can be there for them.

Listen

Before jumping in and trying to offer advice, make time, and space, to simply listen to your friend. Often, they may not be looking to be told what to do, instead just wanting to talk out how they are feeling in order to process.

It can be tempting to want to try to relate by bringing up a situation where you went through something similar, but try to avoid using “I” statements. Instead, try to keep the focus on your friend and what they are feeling. If they ask you, then that could be a time to bring up your experiences, but often it is better to keep the focus on them so they feel heard and validated in their experiences. 

Offer help

While your friend processes the event of losing someone they are close to, it can be helpful to offer to help out in some ways. They may be dealing with details of a memorial, or their own mental health. You can offer to do small everyday tasks to take a few things off their mind such as running quick errands or dropping things off, like meals, that they may need.

If they don’t accept your offer, don’t be offended. For some, keeping up with these daily tasks can be a way of maintaining structure, and they may prefer to do them on their own. Listen to what boundaries they set and respect them.

Things to avoid

Your friend has already been asked how they are doing many times. Avoid asking how they are doing and try replacing it with “What can I do for you?” or “Would you like to talk about it?”, giving them the option to talk about it if they would like, but not feeling forced to talk about their loss.

Also be careful to avoid toxic positivity, which can invalidate their feelings and experiences. You can read more in our article about toxic positivity here and how to avoid it when discussing grief.

Grieving can look different for everyone, so remember to not push your own grieving methods on to your friend and allow them to grieve in a way that works for them.

Be empathetic

You may understand what your friend is going through due to past similar experiences, and you may not. While you want to keep the focus on them during your time with them, on your own time you can take the time to try to understand what they are going through.

There are many online and print resources for understanding grief, and this can be a time to educate yourself on their situation if you have access to those resources. You do not always need to verbally tell them that you understand how they feel. By taking the time to understand on your own, your actions can speak much louder in how you interact with them if you have empathy towards their loss.

It is also good to remember your own limits and boundaries as well. In situations that may be too similar to your own experiences, it can bring up past feelings and be emotionally draining if you have not processed your own past losses. You cannot pour from an empty cup, so make sure that when comforting your friend, you have taken the time to create the emotional space to properly be there for them without draining yourself.

— Missy Roney