Grief can fracture families. Here's what to keep in mind as you heal, and reconcile.
Families don’t always cope well with grief. Part of this difference may stem from how we express grief differently: some tend to verbalize it and show their grief, putting great effort into keeping a person’s memory alive. Others deal with it more internally – they could be grieving just as much, but are not showing it in the same way. Because these differences can often lead to misunderstandings and disagreements, here are some reminders we can all keep in mind to reconcile and heal strained relationships.
Reminder no. 1: Everyone’s grief is valid
Grief is not a zero-sum game. How we feel is how we feel. There should be no judgement or comparing. Everyone should feel comfortable expressing their grief in the way that feels right to them.
Reminder no. 2: Words said and actions taken during grief might be odd
The intensity of our experience, especially during the immediate time of our first grief, can produce an overflow of emotions. We might be in a state of shock. As a result, we may say or do things that are out of character or illogical. This is true of ourselves, but it is also true of others. Keeping this in mind can help us be a bit more forgiving and accommodating.
Reminder no. 3: Bear in mind changing family dynamics
The dynamics of a family will often change when a member has died. Sometimes we need to assess and reassess our place and responsibilities. Making the time to really listen can make a positive difference to ongoing relationships.
Reminder no. 4: While we – and “they” – are living is the best time to make peace
As time passes, we may want to consider reaching out and making peace with those whom we might have offended and/or have offended us. If a relationship matters to us, and there are painful silences, unhealed hurts or other grievances following a family bereavement, this will only sadden us more in the long run. If death has taught us anything, it is that life is fragile and it is better to make peace while both of the injured parties are still living, as it is much harder to do this once one of us has died. A phone call or a letter may be the first step we need to take.
Reminder no. 5: It may not be worth the energy to reconcile, but that energy can be used elsewhere
If we have been hurt or ignored following our bereavement, and it is not within our power to reconcile with this person – for instance, if our efforts are rebuffed – let’s invest our energies elsewhere. Seeking our own equilibrium in our grief and honoring our loved one’s memories are good goals to keep working towards.