How to show support to someone with a missing loved one

When someone goes missing, it can personally impact a number of people they’ve left behind. Everyone affected by the disappearance could experience strong emotions such as worry, despair, and frustration, which fall under a category of grieving called ambiguous loss. At times like these, family, friends and close communities must look after and support each other. Below is a guide to how you can best show support to someone with a missing loved one.

Finding out

Hearing that someone you know has just gone missing can feel shocking. You will likely have lots of questions, and possibly some suggestions on how to search for them. Be aware that there may not be answers to your questions right away, or that the family might not know how to answer you. Try not to ask the family too many questions, and instead ask what you can do to help.

You will likely be experiencing many of your own emotions. Think about who you could talk things through with; someone who can support you and is outside of the immediate community affected by the missing person. 

What to say

When someone goes missing, it can be difficult to deal with the sudden spotlight that families experience. Once others are aware that you know the missing person or are in contact with the family, you may start to receive intrusive questions. Try not to talk with others about what you know or have been told in private.

To be the best support you can be, the person or family needs to feel they can trust you. Try to find a way of encouraging people to join the search, rather than speculate or share opinions. The most important things to say or do are those that show you care and are there to listen and help. This will go a long way to ensure the family knows they have your support.

Practical help

Ask what you can do to help. It might be shopping, cooking, ordering in food, or caring for the children. Some families will struggle with the desire to stay at home and wait for news, whilst also wanting to go out searching. There are ways you can help with the investigation, such as talking to the police, informing mutual friends, or helping with publicity and social media.

Always ask before you decide to take this on – it is important not to duplicate efforts, or do things that could harm the investigation. 

Offer support and listening

Listening while someone shares their worries and burdens is one of the most helpful things you could do. Try not to offer solutions or make judgments. In such uncertain times, your questions or suggestions may do more harm than help. Families with missing loved ones appreciate the opportunity to talk through what has happened and what developments are taking place. 

Educate yourself

Significant dates, such as birthdays or the day when the present went missing, are particularly hard. Remember these dates and show the family that you are thinking of them.

Keep on caring

When loved ones do not return home quickly, their families are left wondering and worrying about them. The emotional and practical impacts of this experience are far reaching, a seemingly endless cycle of hope and grief. Each person will experience the process very differently, and the right thing to do is to listen and not assume you understand what the person is thinking. 

Unlike other types of losses, time often does not heal ambiguous loss in the same way. Ask families to share positive memories of their loved one, and give them the space to talk about them. If the family does wish to talk about the incident or about how they are feeling, you have provided this opportunity by taking an interest.

No matter how much time has passed, families grieving a missing loved one will need support and loving care – people to talk to, to live with, and to keep hope alive with them. 

— Jamie Lim