How seniors can deal with overprotective adult children

As we age, people automatically start to perceive us as less and less able—to move freely, to remember things, to take care of ourselves.  For many older adults who feel much younger than they might look, this couldn’t be further from the truth, which makes it all the more difficult when those around them start assuming they are weaker or suddenly unable to do activities they’ve been doing for years, let alone new ones.

What can be even harder is when their own adult-age children start trying to parent them: insisting that they should be driven everywhere; trying to force them into assisted living; and generally making them feel like they are children who have to be taken care of. If these situations ring any bells for you, here are some tips for coping with interfering, overprotective adult children. 

Empathize 

In one episode of the popular show Golden Girls, a mother of one the protagonists feels she is being treated like a child by her daughter, which creates tension between them. Rose, the daughter, has been trying to stop the mother from going out too much, and insists she take more naps. When the mother and daughter have a heart-to-heart about their disagreements, Rose says she feels she’s acting this way because she’s afraid her mother will hurt herself, and after the loss of her father she doesn’t want to risk anything that could possibly take her mother away too.

Most children have a similar sentiment when it comes to their parents. The most important thing to keep in mind when discussing with your children about your autonomy or wellbeing is to empathize with them. Although it may seem like they are criticizing your actions or decisions, it is often because they care so much about you. Instead of thinking of your children as antagonists to your wishes, remember that it probably stems from their fear that they could lose you.

Figure out what you want from the conflict

If your child is insisting on one thing, but you want something else for your lifestyle, make sure you know exactly what about the issue you don’t like, and what your priorities are. For example, if your child wants you to stop driving and insists on driving you everywhere, decide what about that issue is non-negotiable. Perhaps you don’t like the idea of not being able to go where you want when you want. Perhaps you have an attachment to your car and you don’t want to have to get rid of it. Perhaps you like taking car trips by yourself just to drive, and would miss that time to yourself.

In every case, knowing what exactly bothers you can help you articulate your desires and hesitations better, as well as help your child and you come to a compromise. For example, if you prioritize having the freedom to go where you want when you want, then you can both agree to having you use a rideshare app such as Uber or Lyft as an alternative to driving, so you can still drive on your own schedule and whims.

Agree to disagree

At the end of the day, the relationship between you and your child is the most important factor. Sometimes, your child may just never agree with you, and sometimes that’s okay. If you’ve tried offering compromises and being patient with them, and they still insist on their way, it’s okay to give in now and then. A crucial element of maintaining a healthy relationship is to know when to pick your battles.

In many cases, what your child may ask of you may not be as bad as you think it will be. Maybe suggest that you try what they want on a trial basis, and you can make adjustments as you go. If your adult child is being too stubborn and keeps bothering you on an issue you feel is too important, you can try bringing a third-party expert into the conversation, such as a geriatric care manager, a financial planner, counselor, or lawyer, depending on the situation. Most of the time though, strong communication and exercise will lead to decisions that leave everyone satisfied.

It’s not easy when your adult children try to parent you. After years of living with complete autonomy, suddenly having people tell you what is best for you can be frustrating and difficult. However, keeping an open mind and communicating, as well as some compromise here and there, will give everyone peace of mind. 

— Avery Tamura