Coping with "ambiguous loss," when loved ones are both there, and not
Have you ever felt like you experienced the “loss” of a loved one who is still alive and in your life? It probably left you feeling lost or confused on how to cope. If you have, it may be relieving to know that there is a way to define this experience—and deal with it. Here’s how.
What is ambiguous loss?
The complicated state of someone being physically present but psychologically absent is known as ambiguous loss or “frozen grief.” The person you love becomes someone you barely recognize, sometimes without any warning or notice. There are a range of reasons this can happen, some of the most common being dementia/Alzheimer’s disease, traumatic brain injuries, or mental illness.
Dr. Pauline Boss, who coined the term ambiguous loss and is leading the investigation into this topic, actually splits this into two scenarios: one, where a person is physically present but psychologically absent (as in dementia or drug addiction), and the other, where a person is physically absent but psychologically present (as in foster care or divorce).
These losses usually occur without validation or acknowledgement due to the unconfirmed nature of the loss that has happened. Especially today, because most of the world is quarantined, many people around the globe have lost their loved ones without being able to say their goodbyes. This experience leaves the bereaved isolated in their grief, and without an outlet to express these emotions.
We tend to consider loss as a black and white event: your loved one is alive, or they’re not. What makes ambiguous loss unique is that there are no clear boundaries or resolution. It is an event that can leave you shrouded in a thick fog of grief limbo, and makes finding closure exceptionally difficult for the people involved.
We must pull back the curtain and reveal the impact these unimaginable losses have on our lives so we can move forward. The silver lining is that learning the coping mechanisms available to us and having the courage to apply them to our life can ease us through the difficult times.
How to cope with ambiguous loss
Recognize the experience you (or someone you know) are going through as an ambiguous loss. Acknowledgement and naming can provide some relief, simply because you are no longer in this unusual experience alone. Knowing others have coped with this challenging experience and endured can instill hope in the hopeless.
Connect with people experiencing an ambiguous loss. Support groups are particularly helpful for this type of grief due to the external nature of the trauma. There are support groups available for family members and caregivers of those with dementia, groups like Al-anon and Nar-anon for family members of those with addiction, and groups like NAMI who offer support for families of those with mental illness.
Discuss how the roles in the family may shift, and define new roles. When a family member is no longer present for an indeterminate amount of time, it is natural to want to carry on in your usual family roles. Still, it may help to reassess, and redefine, the functions of family members. For example, a mother may have to take on roles the father was providing. A middle child may suddenly become the oldest or youngest in the family. Think about how this shift impacts each person in the family, and patiently adjust to the new expectations placed on the family unit.
Remember that your loved one’s present doesn’t override their past. This can be easier said than done, but it is important to remember that the person your loved one is now doesn't change the person they were. Even if their words or behaviors now are difficult or hurtful, even if your relationship has changed and is not what it was, this shouldn’t the relationship you had. Cherish those positive memories, perhaps by writing them down, create a scrapbook of old photos, a memory box, or some other remembrance of your own design.