How to recognize toxic positivity, and what to do about it

Do you know the distinction between grief and mourning? Grief is our internal reaction to any situation of loss, i.e. how you feel within yourself; mourning is how we express and communicate those feelings outside of ourselves. Unfortunately, grief and mourning don’t always harmonize in practice, and there is often a dissonance between the experience and the emotion, which may arise because of something called toxic positivity.

What is toxic positivity?

While there is no singular definition for the term, it has generally been defined as the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. Clinical psychologist Dr. Jaime Zuckerman explains: “Toxic positivity is a societal assumption that a person, despite their emotional pain or gravity of their situation, should only strive to have a positive outlook.”

For example, after losing a loved one, you may feel hopeless and heartbroken on the inside, your world turned upside down. Then someone asks, “How are you?” You put on a brave smile, and respond, “I’m fine.” Why does this happen? Often, the conflict is fueled by the refrain, “You have to look on the bright side. You need to focus on the good things in your life.” The subtle suggestion is that it is not acceptable to be feeling negative emotions, such as sadness or frustration, leaving the grieving person feeling confused and conflicted. 

Below are some common expressions and experiences of toxic positivity to help you recognize how it shows up in everyday life. 

1. Hiding or masking your true feelings

2. Trying to “just get on with it” by dismissing an emotion or emotions

3. Being shamed for feeling what you feel

4. Minimizing other people’s experiences with “feel good” quotes or statements

5. Trying to give someone perspective (e.g. “it could be worse”) instead of validating their emotional experience

6. Shaming or chastising others for expressing frustration or anything other than positivity  

By disallowing the existence of certain feelings, we fall into a state of denial and repressed emotions. The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience.

To force a positive outlook on pain is to encourage a person to keep silent about their struggles. Hiding or denying feelings leads to more stress on the body and/or increased difficulty avoiding the distressing thoughts and feelings. In denying the truth, we begin to live inauthentically with ourselves and with the world. We lose connection with ourselves, making it difficult for others to connect and relate to us. 

Accepting negative emotions, rather than dismissing them, is more beneficial for a person’s mental health in the long run. Psychologist Margin Seligman makes an important distinction between happiness and wellbeing. He says that those who live with the ideal of a happiness principle focus just on increasing happiness while eliminating things that detract from it. A sense of well-being, however, is about a life that includes our relationship with our thoughts and feelings. 

A sense of well-being is not just about feelings, but also includes engagement, relationships, meaning and purpose, and accomplishment. These things will not always be easy or bring a sense of happiness. There will be moments of devastation and despair. However, a strong sense of well-being will allow us to sit with those emotions and have confidence that they are not a failure, but a part of life; they are storms we will weather, with faith in our ability to survive. 

Of course, it is important to note that toxic negativity can come from the inside as well. Sometimes, we can start to feel comfortable in our pain and think that positivity means we have forgotten our loss. But remember: positivity and pain can live side by side. Neither cancels out the other. Finding hope, gratitude, or positivity never takes away the significance of our loved one’s life, death, or our grief. Instead, that positivity allows us to know that we can bring our loved one and our grief with us as we move forward in a life with meaning and purpose.

— Jamie Lim