How to grieve someone who died of an unknown cause

Losing someone is always difficult, and processing grief can have different paths, and timeframes, for different people. However, grieving unknown causes of death can feel even more difficult as a person learns to navigate a loss that also carries with it a lot of uncertainty. As you work through the passing of the departed and try to come to terms with having more questions than answers, here is some guidance on how to approach the path ahead and help process grief in a healthy way.

To begin with some facts: an average of 2.2% of all deaths every year in the US are due to unknown causes, which equals out to over 62,000 unknown causes of death per year. Unknown causes may include instances of an undiagnosed illness, sudden death, or a cold case, and this grief can take on a unique form depending on each situation.

Recognition

One challenge after losing a loved one and not being able to know or discern the exact cause is simply recognizing what you are feeling. This can look different for people, and you may find recognizing your feelings easiest through writing, talking with someone you trust, or seeking a therapist. There are many amazing grief therapists who are experienced in the various aspects of grief, and at some point in the processing stage, you may find it helpful to look for one who can help guide and advise you through your grief. 

You can learn more about types of grief therapy in our article here as well as look into grief worksheets here that can help aid in recognition of feelings.

Support 

Community can be overwhelmingly helpful during processing. You may feel a need to pull away initially, and while it can be helpful to have moments of solitude to process and think, ultimately you want to continue to surround yourself with others. While everyone’s process is different and some may not know or understand exactly what you are going through, that does not take away from the value and support that community can bring. Outside perspectives may bring you new ways of thinking, or the presence of another person may simply comfort you and bring small moments of joy in the midst of all your questions.  

One way you can find support within your community is by creating a memory box with a loved one, where you can reflect on the time you did have with the person and sharing a healthy grieving space with someone you are close to.

Acceptance

Perhaps the most difficult task is acceptance. This does not have to mean acceptance of the way in which the person passed, or the timing, but can simply mean the acceptance of how you are feeling and how the death has affected you. Acceptance of thoughts and emotions can then transition into acceptance of the situation, but begin with inner acceptance and allowing yourself to be okay with feeling the grief and not trying to suppress healthy processing. Recognizing that you cannot change the past but learning to accept that can help give glimpses of how you may pave the future. 

It is important to remember that whatever grief you are going through is valid. During a time when you want answers, coming to terms with not having them can be difficult and however this alters the time or path of your grief is real and okay. You do not have to try to rationalize your grief to yourself or others. It is okay to recognize and accept what you are feeling and process from there.

Remember during the grieving process there is always help available and if you find yourself in a crisis you can call the National Alliance on Mental Illness at (800)-950-6264 if you need to speak with someone for support or to connect to additional grief resources.