How to be a good grief listener

When someone loses a loved one, they are thrown, body and soul, into a cascade of emotions that taxes them mentally and physically, representing a natural response to loss.

Telling close family and friends can be one of the most difficult steps in the grieving process. One reason is that externalizing the passing may make it feel more real. The second reason is the overall loneliness and isolation that tied to grief. It can be uncomfortable for a loved one to not only share the news but also ask for comfort.

As a friend, family member or colleague, learning the news of a passing and witnessing someone grieve can leave you at a loss of words and an inability to articulate appropriately. The truth is that one of the most important actions you can take is to simply listen. Have you heard of the saying “talk less, listen more?” To a grieving loved one, this phrase can be the greatest gift they didn’t know they needed. 

Listening is a skill that requires learning and practicing. It is human nature to want to share our experiences, advice and opinions, or even consolation, rather than simply listening to someone else. When you listen actively and with empathy, the other person feels heard and valued. At Peacefully, we want to equip you with the tools you need to be good grief listeners. 

Here is a list of tips to be better grief listeners, whether in person, over video chat, or by phone:

• Prepare yourself to be the most effective listener during the interaction by reaffirming your role as a listener while your loved one shares their story.

  • Encourage a conversation by saying “I’ve been thinking about you and wanted to see how you are doing today.”

• Exclusively engage with your friend or family member who is telling their story.

  • Find a private space to connect that is absent from distractions.

• Listen to and acknowledge their pain. 

  • Phrases like, “Wow, I can see how that can be difficult” or “I am sorry you are going through this” can be very helpful

• Validate their grief by listening without judgement or providing unsolicited advice.

  • Phrases like, “My heart hurts for you.” or “You must feel so upset.” 

• Focus with mind and body attentively on what your loved one is saying. 

  • Silence your internal dialogue and always make eye contact.  

• Allow for silence and pause, and don’t act on the need to jump in.

  • A pause can help with reflection and thoughtfulness and provide the comfort of not being rushed.

• Mirror their body language to show your understanding. 

  • Mirroring posture, sitting position and/or tone of voice can do wonders to make someone feel heard.

Feel free to add your own suggestions for successful listening techniques in the comments below.

— Lesley Hellow