Why it's so important to grieve, and mourn, a lost loved one

Healing from the death of a loved one is often a long, mentally draining process. A bereaved person often experiences a range of deep emotions, from anger, to sadness, to guilt. One may even experience happiness as one reflects on memories of their loved one.

We often hear grief divided into five sequential steps: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This model seems to suggest that acceptance is attained through internal grieving alone. However, mourning is a critical component of the path towards acceptance.

What's the difference between grieving and mourning? Grief includes the internal thoughts and feelings that accompany the death of a loved one, while mourning is the outward expression of internal grief. A useful phrase for capturing this difference is “mourning is grief gone public.”

Some versions of mourning include actions such as talking about the individual that has died, crying, praying, journaling, and celebrating the life of the deceased.

Our instinctive response to a death does not always follow the five-step process, and one should not force it. Rather, the bereaved should be conscious of, and accept, any and all emotions associated with a loss.

As grief becomes mourning, however, a natural response is the suppression of these emotions by denying that they exist, or by simply ignoring them. We force ourselves—or, in some cases, feel forced by others—to “move on,” acknowledging the fact that wallowing in our sadness is painful and will not bring back our loved one.

However, mourning is not “wallowing” in our sorrow. Instead, moving towards a loss through true mourning is a critical step in healing and growing. By avoiding emotions, one creates future challenges; thus, “moving on” in the short term ultimately creates long-term difficulties.

Perhaps this need to move on and reluctance to mourn stems from the fact that we feel the need to control our emotions. Society forces us to believe that we must cope quickly given others do not want to be around someone experiencing painful emotions. An outward expression of pain associated with the loss of a loved one is often viewed as a weakness.

Despite these multiple forces working against the spiritual and emotional necessity of mourning, we must be courageous and confront our internal emotions. While aspects of this process may be individual, the presence of family and friends can help in dealing with these expressed feelings. They can provide support to the bereaved individual by simply listening and making sure the grieving individual knows that they have a safe space to express their emotions.

Healing from a loss is truly a process: grieving and mourning are steps in the journey towards recovery. Fortunately, the bereaved can take solace in the fact that the journey leads to healing and growth.

— Jon Scalabrini