How memorialization helps the grieving process - and why you should do it

After a loved one passes, there are lots of options for memorializing them ranging from dedications of a park bench to scholarship funds to donations to causes in their name. But why do we memorialize? Isn’t it better just to “move on?” In this article, we discuss how memorialization can be a way to both remember the lost loved one, as well as heal and grow through grief you may experience afterwards. 

Memoralization Theory

Psychologists at the University of Florida have studied the connection between memoralization and grief, and have found evidence that a concrete reminder of the life of someone important to you can create something called “continuing bonds”. There are two different approaches to these continuing bonds and how you can strengthen and grow these bonds.

The first approach described by psychologist Emily Mroz is called “continuing intimacy”, and focuses on remembering the life of the lost loved one. She describes this as telling stories about the person’s life or having physical reminders of the person’s life around, such as wearing jewelry that belonged to them.

The other approach, called confronting loss, centers more so around the death of the loved one. This could appear as an urn of ashes or tattoo of the birth and death dates of a person. If grief is not healthily resolved, this may coincide with complicated grief syndrome (which you can read more about here as well as common treatment options for CGS). Confronting loss memorializes death instead of the life of the lost person.

Mroz says that the best tactic for using remembrance to work through grief is to use the first approach of continuing intimacy, as those create healthier continuing bonds that can promote healing and aid in working through grief. 

Psychology of Grief

Grief is not a phase you must “get through”, but rather a journey that is a normal part of remembering and celebrating the life of someone who meant something to you. Grief can bring about many complex and complicated emotions and memories, all of which are normal and healthy for mourning. 

Grief can affect your brain and mental health by interfering with memory, concentration, and cognition. For many, memorialization can help with these difficult parts of mourning. Remembering the life of the deceased can bring up the bright parts of your time with them and cement those memories while avoiding toxic positivity that comes from avoiding the negative feelings associated with grieving. Memorialization acknowledges all emotions and feelings, while choosing to view the mourning period through a lens of celebration of life.  

Using Memorialization for Grief

Memorialization can help preserve the memories you have of a loved one and let those memories continue to provide you comfort during the grieving process. It can look different depending on your relationship to the person and what brings you comfort, especially during the grieving process. One possibility is to visit a place that reminds you of the person, or a moment you shared with them. This could be a favorite coffee shop or vacation retreat, or something as simple as a piece of jewelry or reading their favorite book.

Other memorization techniques that draw on continued intimacy include journaling about favorite memories together, making a favorite meal or meal associated with a good memory of the deceased, spending time with mutual friends or family, planting a tree or flower in their memory, having a playlist or CD of their favorite songs, or establishing a scholarship for or donating to a cause important to the departed.

In whatever form it takes, we hope you use continuing intimacy to formulate personal memorialization that reminds you of the good memories and happy feelings, and encourages you to feel those bright moments again.

— Missy Roney