What to do when you visit loved ones in a nursing home

Though seemingly easy at first, visiting your loved ones in nursing homes or assisted living facilities can start to feel like a task, and become less of a priority, as time goes on. Conversations and things to do can run out, especially if your loved one’s ability to communicate or move is in decline. However, the presence of familiar faces is essential to the quality of life for loved ones in nursing homes, as they can be bombarded by unfamiliar or negative experiences throughout their week. To keep your visits as intentional and connected with your loved one as possible, follow these active steps to make your time with them worthwhile for both parties.

Be Aware of Their Condition

Awkward situations can arise when families or individuals visit nursing homes in hope of connecting based on past versions of that loved one’s self, whether it was their ability to communicate easily, remember certain memories, or be able to move certain parts of their body. Keep yourself updated on their current abilities, and instead of receiving those updates as limitations, think of them as ways to find new activities to do with your loved one.

If they cannot speak properly, bring mementos of their family or new events that have happened in your life that you can create a conversation around by telling stories about people they know. Some individuals bring family photos, graduation diplomas, or even a new shirt they had bought that day. The lack of ability to communicate can become a deterrent for some visitors, but just remember that they can hear or experience the same as you. Don’t think of the conversation as one-sided, but instead a chance to tell meaningful anecdotes that can not only keep your loved one engaged but also make them feel like someone who is still present in your everyday life.

Be Physical

If your loved one has difficulty remembering, physical touch can be just as a priority as meaningful conversation. Possibly turn on music that both of you enjoy while taking their hand and moving to the music. Or even a hand massage can be the physical stimulation and familiarity that the loved one needs, as they most likely don’t experience physical intimacy through nurses and staff. Bring flowers that they can feel, blankets you’ve brought that they can caress, or even just a long overdue hug can be exactly what they need. The gesture does not have to be grand but something intimate that both of you would enjoy during your visit.

If there is difficulty in verbally or physically engaging with your loved one, bring activities that adjust to their capability such as watching a new movie together or reading them a book you enjoy. Again, these difficulties do not have to be limitations as your presence is more than enough for a loved one in a nursing home. 

Keep Yourself in Mind

Visits can be daunting and sometimes even a hassle, especially for someone that may have pressing matters to worry about such as finances, school, or even relationship drama. It is important to keep your mental state in mind as a way of not only prioritizing yourself but to also not tie your visits with a depressing mindset as it wouldn’t be beneficial to your loved one and yourself.

One way to avoid such things can be to prepare for your visit early on, little by little. Save a song you enjoyed, write a note down for a movie they’d enjoy, favorite some photos on your phone. Instead of rushing to prepare or not preparing at all, before the visit make your stay as stress-free as it should be. Leaving the nursing home with a better state of mind than you came in should be a goal that you work towards.

End the Visit on a Positive Note

At the end of the visit, make sure to tell your loved one the exact date or week you will visit next. This will not only hold you accountable but will also give your loved one something to look forward to. Tell them who you are bringing with you to make sure they know they still have people that care about them.

Time together with loved ones is very likely the most valuable asset loved ones in nursing homes and assisted living facilities have when life is nearing its end. Remember, you are doing your absolute best, and that is all your loved one needs.

— Jenny Kim