How much should you involve a child in the grieving process?
Everyone reacts differently to the loss of a loved one. Children especially may have difficulty understanding or comprehending death. For advice on how to involve young children in rituals such as a funeral as well as other stages of the grieving process, please read on.
Should children attend the funeral?
Whether young children should attend a funeral is a personal decision, one that depends on you, the child, and the child’s relationship the deceased. Funerals can be helpful for providing closure and community support, but some children are not ready for such an intense experience, especially if they are younger in age.
If you do decide to allow them to attend, prepare them beforehand. Explain what will happen in simple terms and give them plenty of information about the funeral. Where will the service take place? Who will be there? Describe what people will do at the service. Will there be guests crying, sharing stories, being serious, or laughing?
Talk about the specific features of the service. Will there be a casket, procession, or graveside service? Encourage the child to ask questions before the service, and check in with them multiple times before confirming they are ready and desire to attend the funeral.
Never force a child to attend a funeral, and give them reassurance so that they know they can change their minds - at any time. Let them know that they are allowed to leave at any point or take a break for a few minutes and do not have to participate in the events if they feel uncomfortable. Have someone who the child trusts serve as a supporter and create opportunities to get involved whether it’s planning the service, saying or reading something, choosing a particular piece of music, or adding something special such as a picture.
If they don’t attend, understand that children may create fantasies that are more frightening than what actually occurs. They may also feel left out if they are not included in the family event, so be prepared to deal with those emotions.
Should they view the body?
With children, there is often the worry that they will be left with an image of the body that is traumatizing. Preparation is important; if children have clarity, they are often able to understand the death of a loved one through the process of seeing the physical body.
Make sure the child has understood the person has died.
Explain how the body might be different: pale skin, closed eyes, heart no longer beating, no breathing. Discussing the science behind such changes can be helpful for the child to understand why the skin is pale. Use simple language.
Describe what they might see such as the presentation of the body, the room, or other processes that may be involved.
Make sure they understand what it means to view the body. Highlight that they are able to leave if they feel uncomfortable and do not have to force themselves to engage in activities.