Avoiding Conflict with Gottman's 4 Horsemen

“I can predict whether a couple will divorce after watching and listening to them for just fifteen minutes.” - John Gottman

 

Imagine being able to predict if the relationship you are in will end in divorce with over 90% accuracy rate. John M. Gottman is the founder and director of the Gottman Institute and a professor of psychology at the University of Washington. His work regarding romantic relationships has revolutionized the industry. Through years of scientific research, he and his wife Julie Gottman, have found that one of the main factors that make relationships work is a certain level of emotional intelligence. Being emotionally intelligent has to do with being in touch with your feelings. For an emotionally intelligent couple “the better able they are to understand, honor and respect each other and their marriage- the more likely they will indeed live happily ever after.” Here are the 4 things that Gottman encourages couples to watch out for. 

 

Horseman 1: Criticism

It is not uncommon to have some complaints about your significant other. Gottman explains that a complaint has three parts: (1) Here’s how I feel; (2) About a very specific situation; (3) And here’s what I need/want/prefer. Criticism, however, expresses negative feelings and opinions about your significant other's personality or character. Some statements that express criticism sound like “you’re always so forgetful, I hate having to tell you over and over to do this” or “you never care” or “what is wrong with you?”. All of these statements and more have a critical undertone that tells your significant other that they are flawed or not enough. To express a complaint in a way that is not critical or demeaning, try the 1, 2, 3 method above. 

 

Horseman 2: Contempt

This one is the best predictor of divorce. Contempt has to do with conveying disgust or cynicism. This can often look like name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile humor. Gottman states that “couples who are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illness (cold, flu; and so on) than other people.” Contempt’s main purpose is to demean your significant other and is often fueled by overall negative thoughts about your partner. Some people confuse this with “just being real” or “telling it how it is”. The antidote to contempt begins with kindness. Contempt sounds like: “You’re always late, I always tell you to get ready but you never listen to me. Now look what situation you put us in!” The antidote sounds something like: “Being on time is really important to me. I feel anxious when we have to hurry up and get ready. Can we talk about maybe waking up a bit earlier so we are not rushing on our way out?” Kindness paired with expressing your true emotions with an “I feel...” statement, followed by a gentle request. 

 

Horseman 3: Defensiveness

Defensiveness is usually a response to the first two horsemen, criticism and contempt. It occurs when you feel the need to defend or protect yourself from what your partner is saying. It is natural to feel the need to defend yourself when your partner brings up a complaint. Unfortunately, this method of communicating is almost never successful. 

There are 2 ways of becoming defensive, the first is meeting a complaint with a counter-complaint. That would look something like 

 

Person 1: Did you take out the trash like I asked? 

Person 2: You know have been busy, if you saw it piling up why didn’t you just take it out?

 

The second way of being defensive is acting like an innocent victim. Using the example above this would sound something like “I always take out the trash, why couldn’t you have helped me for a change?” People in emotionally intelligent relationships can accept accountability even for a small amount of the problem. Accepting accountability, in this case, would be “You’re right, I haven’t had a chance to take it out because it’s been a busy day. I will do that right now.”

 

Horseman 4: Stonewalling

Stonewalling is another way of saying “tuning out”. It happens when there has already been much criticism and contempt which usually leads to defensiveness. During a normal conversation between two people, the listener gives many verbal and nonverbal cues to make sure the person speaking knows they are engaged and present. A stonewaller, on the other hand, has heard nothing but criticism and contempt. They become emotionally flooded and shut down. Some people stonewall because they understand that their emotions will lead to rage and belligerence. They see stonewalling as an opportunity to “control” their emotions. What they are really doing, however, is suppressing them. This in turn is not good for either party. Stonewalling is often the result of a floodgate of emotions. When you feel yourself getting overwhelmed in a conversation with your partner, instead of stonewalling, try asking for a break. Contrary to popular belief, Gottman advocates for taking a break when a conversation becomes overwhelming. It can give your body the rest it needs to process those strong emotions. 

 

According to a Harvard medical study, “good connections and social support can improve health and increase longevity.” There is overwhelming evidence that maintaining healthy relationships can benefit your immune system and in some cases even extend your life span. This is just one of the many reasons to encourage you to seek and maintain relationships that uplift you and don’t bring you down.

— Catherine Rosales