Advice for reuniting with estranged siblings after a loved one's death

If you’ve been estranged with a sibling or siblings for years, having to see them again when a parent or other relative passes can be anxiety-inducing. Part of you probably wants to pay respects to your loved one or see them if they are on their deathbed, but another part wants to avoid the conflict that reuniting with your sibling will inevitably cause. This can be further complicated if you have other relatives that you may or may not be on friendly terms with. No matter what your specific situation is, here are some helpful tips to deal with having to see an estranged sibling after a parent or other loved one whom you shared dies. 

How to negotiate involvement in the grieving process 

It may be that you were heavily involved in the end-of-life process of the deceased (i.e. you were their primary caregiver, their benefactor for hospice care, or were present at their deathbed, etc.), while your sibling was not. In this case, you may have to decide whether or not to notify your sibling or other estranged family members about your loved one’s passing.

If your sibling was not estranged from the deceased, then it is probably best to let them know what happened. Even if you and your sibling don’t get along, out of respect for their relationship, you should tell them about the death.

If you do tell them and they want to be involved, attending or planning the funeral, helping to sort through possessions, or being near other relatives before and after the funeral, you just have to work on accepting that. Just as they cannot stop you from grieving and helping out in your own way, you cannot stop them from grieving in their way too.

Perhaps, if you are looking for a reconciliation, encouraging them to be vulnerable and share in your grief is a good way to get over old scars. On the other hand, if your sibling had an estranged relationship with the deceased, then things may be more complicated.

Your sibling might want to pay their respects, but they could also react poorly to you reaching out to them, which could cause more harm than good. If you are unsure on how to act, think about how you would feel if you were in their position and what might be the best for everyone involved. 

Attending the funeral 

Attending the funeral might be the first time you’ll see your sibling in years, maybe decades. If you are estranged from many relatives or are adamant about not seeing them, then you also have the option not to go. Maybe seeing them at the funeral will worsen your grief or impair the healing process.

Of course, you want to pay your respects and grieve the deceased, but at the same time, you have to make the right calls for you. There are other ways to memorialize loved ones, such as doing your own quiet service at home, or making a memory box or a shrine.

If you do wish to attend the funeral regardless of your sibling, then the first thing you probably want is not to make a scene fighting. Remember that a funeral is for honoring the deceased and getting closure for your grief, and those should be the only priorities.

If your sibling starts antagonizing you, be prepared to disengage. You can have something ready to say, such as “I’m only here to say goodbye to mom, so please give me some space to do so.” Or you can bring someone, like a spouse or close friend, to help defuse the situation if things get heated. Whatever the case, make sure you have a plan in case conflict resurfaces.  

Focus on your other loved ones

Instead of focusing on how hard it is for you to see your sibling, one helpful tactic is to focus on giving and receiving support from other family members and close friends. If your sibling is putting extra strain on your emotional state, you can lean on someone in your support system and also focus on being there for them if needed. Don’t let one person dictate your emotions during this time. Even if your sibling is hostile or rude, there are other people who are a shoulder to cry on, people who want to help lift the burden off your shoulders. During crisis, we often need to focus on the positives, and not on the negatives. 

Reuniting with estranged siblings after the death of a parent is a difficult situation to navigate, but with a little planning and calmness, you can get through it. We encourage you to try all the tactics above, and hopefully you’ll be able to see your sibling without letting it interrupt your grieving process and your healing. 

— Avery Tamura