What to say, and not say, in a eulogy

A eulogy is perhaps the most difficult speech anyone will have to make in their lives. There’s so much pressure to be heartfelt and emotional, yet also appropriate and eloquent. To alleviate the burden striking this balance creates, here are some helpful tips on what you should and should not include in your eulogy. 

Be positive and respectful

While a funeral is for grieving and closure, it’s also a time to celebrate the deceased’s life. In light of this, avoid statements that focus on the pain of losing a loved one or focusing on their death rather than their life. This makes your eulogy sound bleak and may upset the family of the deceased by only accentuating the negatives.

For example, try not to say things like “it was for the best” or “at least her suffering is over,” because these things focus on the deceased’s death. Instead, talk about good memories you have of them while they were alive. Things like “he could always bring a smile to everyone he knew” or “she lived an incredibly adventurous, fulfilling life” acknowledge the passing of the deceased and how much people will miss them, but also describes the positive parts of their life. 

Consider your audience

Another thing to be wary of in giving a eulogy is not to offend the other people attending the funeral. Something to watch out for is to not make offensive jokes or include inappropriate humor in your eulogy. Some people prefer to write eulogies more lighthearted in nature, but make sure not to make derogatory remarks about the deceased or tell inappropriate stories about them.

For example, if you were in college with the deceased, the eulogy is not the time to bring up the parties you went to, even if they are fond memories you had with the person. Instead, choose memories that are appropriate for your audience.

You should also avoid making any religious references, unless you specifically know the religious background of the deceased and their family. If the family is not particularly religious, then mentioning concepts such as heaven and hell are not consoling and in fact impose your own religious beliefs on the situation.

Furthermore, if the deceased was a different religion or had different beliefs than other people present and this was a source of tension, bringing it up in the eulogy can be alienating and can negatively affect other mourners present. Generally speaking, it is best to know your audience and keep the eulogy positive and inoffensive. 

Center your speech on the deceased instead of yourself

While a eulogy can be a healthy way to express your grief and gain closure after the death of a loved one, it is also not a platform to work through your pain. You should view it more as a way of grieving in a communal setting, to connect with and support other people who are going through the same situation.

Therefore, avoid too many sentences on your own personal relationship with the deceased, such as going into too much detail about how you knew them, how you met them, what you did together, etc. Instead, you can put how you connected with them into broader terms about their overall personality, or you can just focus on how they affected everyone’s lives.

For example, if you and the deceased used to go fishing all the time, you can talk about how they loved the outdoors and enjoyed taking people out on trips for fresh air and quality time. This doesn’t mean that you can’t share some details about you and the deceased specifically, but in general you should aim to make your eulogy a cathartic experience for other people as well, not just you. 

Focus on storytelling, not a list of qualities

Storytelling is the key to giving a good speech. Storytelling gives the audience snapshots of the deceased’s life - the way you knew them - through actions as opposed to vague statements. Instead of saying that he (or she) was funny, talk about the last time they made you laugh, or a joke they told a long time ago but you still remember. Stories will give your eulogy a personal feel, and can form an emotional connection to the audience.

On the other hand, avoid saying blanket statements that are not very personal, such as “she was smart,” “he was kind,” “they were admirable,” etc. You can include these, but they should not be the bulk of your speech. Most of your eulogy should be the one or two stories that you feel really encapsulate who the deceased was as a person. 

A eulogy is never easy, but hopefully these tips can help you narrow down what you are going to say (as well as avoid saying). Remember that a eulogy is a way for you to grieve your loved one, but it is also public and meant for everybody. It is a way to kind of say goodbye to the deceased on behalf of everyone who cherished them. 

— Avery Tamura