Elderly parents moving in with you? Here are tips on what to do.

If you have recently convinced your parent to come and live with you, you probably are experiencing concerns or stress about the upcoming transition. Even if you get along great with your parent, there’s bound to be some tension in the beginning, while other things that don’t create conflict can still take some adjusting to. Luckily, we’ve compiled a list of helpful tips to help you cope and prepare for a parent moving in. Read on to find out more.

Handling Your Finances

Depending on your parent’s situation, you may have to take on a sizable amount of financial burden. Ideally, your parent should use their own money to purchase common items like food, clothing, etc. for as long as that can be reasonably expected. You should talk to your parent about this and set up clear boundaries for the divvying up of financial responsibilities, although this plan should be open to reevaluation every year or so as finances can change and retirement funds can fall short.

In any case, you should adjust your own personal budget to account for the fact that you probably will need to give your parents at least some support beyond housing. You should also keep track of how much you spend on your parent in the first months and years, so that you can get a general idea of how much money to set aside for some of their expenses.

Set Expectations Right Away

It’s imperative to have a serious conversation with your parent (ideally) before or soon after they move in about what life is going to look like living together. Some questions to consider discussing: 

• Is the parent expected to contribute to household chores? If so, which ones? How often would you like certain chores to be done?

• How much privacy do you each expect from each other? Is going into each other’s rooms allowed when the other person isn’t there?

• What are some common rules already put into place at your house? No dishes outside the sink? No food upstairs? Which rules are flexible and which are staunchly enforced? 

You may also want to bring up questions specific to your relationship, maybe things that you anticipate may be a problem in the future. For example, if your parent can be critical at times, maybe talk about keeping that to a minimum, especially if one of your kids is in the room.

Also, be sure to be open and honest in this conversation, and encourage your parent to do so too. Even break up the conversation into little conversations on different topics that you have at different times to give yourselves a break, if that makes things easier. It’s more important to be honest and experience some discomfort than be pressured into saying everything is okay only to bear the consequences later. 

Hold On To Your Routine

When a parent enters your home, it’s easy to feel like your whole life has been thrown off kilter. Maybe you used to go on a morning run but you don’t want to wake up your parent making that pre-run smoothie. Or maybe what is now their room was your favorite reading nook.

Whatever the case may be, you have to find ways to keep the things that make you happy and are part of your routine. Make the smoothie the night before so it’ll be ready in the morning. Buy a new reading chair or find a new reading spot with more natural light. This isn’t to say that some parts of your life won’t change, and you will have to change some parts of your routine. But the point is to minimize giving up what you love. If there’s a way to get past the obstacle that’s stopping you, do it. 

Being a Caretaker is Different Than Being a Roommate 

One note about having a parent move in with you: it can be very different depending on why they are moving in with you. Sometimes the reason is you’d like to have them closer or they had some financial troubles, and other times it’s because your parent had a stroke or has been diagnosed with something, and these situations pose different challenges.

If your parent is moving in and needs help with remembering to take medication, completing simple tasks, or is just not as strong as they used to be, there will be more steps to take and more difficulties. If this sounds like your situation, you can refer to some of our articles that cover topics such as worksheets for if your parent has dementia or a terminal illness. 

This article may have made it sound like having a parent in the home is nothing but a hassle and more work. But this isn’t the case. Sure, it does involve more work in most cases, but there’s also the good moments that make it worth it. Having a parent live with you is an opportunity for you to build a deeper connection and a better understanding of each other. Just make sure you’re taking care of yourself, as well.

— Avery Tamura