Maintaining a Healthy Relationship with Parents Moving Back In

Any new roommate situation will come with sometimes major adjustments to your current lifestyle. Having an elderly parent become that new roommate, can make it an even bigger adjustment. Yes, you love your parents, but after leaving the nest and living independently as an adult there may be some concerns about having them move in with you. It changes the dynamic of your relationship from you being the child into being a parent-like figure, especially if you have to take care of them. Navigating this can be tricky, but here are some tips on how to set boundaries and maintain a healthy relationship with your elderly parent. 

Be Prepared 

Depending on the level of care that your parent may require, you may have to make some adjustments to your lifestyle; be prepared for this. It’s important to assess what they require for care before they move in. A few questions can be asked to get a general idea of what they may require.

• Are they able to move around easily?

• Can they drive themselves?

• Can they be left alone for long periods of time?

• Can they care for their personal hygiene and other similar needs?

Answering these will give you a sense of the adjustments needed for your schedule. 

Respect and Active Listening 

Respect is easily achieved by being an active listener and setting boundaries. This goes both ways for you and your parent. Sit down and have an open conversation about boundaries, nothing should be off limits in this discussion. For example, if you are worried about your parent talking to your child about politics, make sure they know that you won’t have that in your home. Or maybe your parent is worried that you won’t give them their privacy. Make sure the respect and active listening goes both ways. This makes it easier for expectations because there will be clearer lines. Remember, even if your parent needs more care, it’s still important to not infantilize them. Let them have their own privacy, don’t treat them like they are losing their independence. On the other hand, your parent should relay this respect to you. Don’t let them treat you like a child or take advantage of your hospitality. Remember, this is your home, and you are owed as much respect as they are. 

Reverting back to old habits

Oftentimes when you are around people who were there during an earlier stage of your life, you’ll revert back to who you were during that time. This can be detrimental to the peace of your home if you had a previously strained relationship with your parent. Actively be aware that you aren’t in your youth anymore, you don’t owe your parent an explanation for your decisions. Of course it’s okay to consult with them for their opinions, but remember they should only offer their opinion on situations if you ask for it. Don’t let them dictate how your household is being run. 

Having an elderly parent move back in can be straining on your relationship if you aren’t prepared for the changes required to make them comfortable. Mutual respect for each other's privacy and decisions and not reverting back to your dynamic as a child is beneficial to maintain a healthy relationship. But also remember: your elderly parent is going through a lot of change as well. Being conscious that this may be a difficult transition in their life will help you be more patient with them. Incorporating some of these tips can make this life transition easier for you and your elderly parent so that you both can coexist peacefully in your home. 

— Madison Calhoon