How to talk to your parents about starting end-of-life care

Have you started the journey of end of life planning with your parents? If you haven’t, you are not alone.

While we plan for the beginning of every major life event, we tend to avoid planning for the end. According to the Conversation Project, 92% of Americans believe having a conversation with their loved ones about death is important, while only 32% of the population have actually had this discussion.

Additionally, according to a Kaiser Family Foundation study, 69% of Americans say that death is a subject they generally avoid. These statistics illustrate that while individuals think the conversation is important, they generally avoid it.

Dialogue around planning for the end of life is challenging as it can surface emotions of fear and discomfort. The good news is, there are many excellent resources available that can help you prepare to have an effective conversation with your loved ones.

One way to begin is by thinking about what information you need to empower yourself to have an educated exchange. The more you learn about end of life tasks and planning, the more robust the conversation can be with your parents. For instance, there are many terms within advanced planning that you may not be aware of. BeginTheConversation.org provides a great resource which defines a list of the most common end of life terms, such as advanced care planning, advance directive, proxy, and more.

Another way to brainstorm is by deciding whether the conversation will be a broad discussion about what your parents value most, or whether there are more specific concerns that are top of mind, such as estate planning, health proxy, or advanced directive.

Once you have prepared for the conversation, it is time to initiate. For most individuals, this is the most challenging part. For this, The Conversation Project provides various questions to help you get the conversation started:

When you think about the last phase of your life, what’s most important to you?
How would you like this phase to be? Do you have any particular concerns about your health? About the last phase of your life?
What affairs do you need to get in order, or talk to your loved ones about? (Personal finances, property, relationships)
Who do you want (or not want) to be involved in your care?
Who would you like to make decisions on your behalf if you’re not able to? (This person is your health care proxy.)
Would you prefer to be actively involved in decisions about your care? Or would you rather have your health care team do what they think is best?
Are there any disagreements or family tensions that you’re concerned about?
Are there important milestones you’d like to be there for, if possible? (The birth of your grandchild, your 80th birthday.)
Where do you want (or not want) to receive care? (Home, nursing facility, hospital)
Are there kinds of treatment you would want (or not want)? (Resuscitation if your heart stops, breathing machine, feeding tube)
When would it be okay to shift from a focus on curative care to a focus on comfort care alone?

Once you’ve asked one of those questions, congrats! You and your family have started the journey of planning for the end of life. You have accomplished this first conversation with the intention to continue having these conversations throughout your lifetime.

The next step is to document their decisions. When you feel like the time is right, pass along to your parents the methods by which they can make an account of their decisions:

Health care proxy - Who will make decisions for you if you can’t?
Advance directive (by state) - What type of healthcare treatment do you want? Or not want?

Ensure these documents are distributed to appropriate family members, physicians and caregivers. Remember, these are living breathing documents, and should be updated if circumstances change.

But don’t rush it! Just having that first conversation is an accomplishment, and should make things a little easier down the road. When the time is right, let them know about peacefully’s checklist, which is a comprehensive guide to making sure end of life tasks are handled thoroughly.

We want to hear from you! Let Peacefully know how your conversation went and what other information would be helpful to share by leaving a comment below or contacting hello@peacefully.com.

—Lesley Hellow

getting organizedJennifer GoodJune 17, 2020emotional and spiritual, caregiving, featured1 Comment

How to talk to your parents about starting end-of-life care

Have you started the journey of end of life planning with your parents? If you haven’t, you are not alone.

While we plan for the beginning of every major life event, we tend to avoid planning for the end. According to the Conversation Project, 92% of Americans believe having a conversation with their loved ones about death is important, while only 32% of the population have actually had this discussion.

Additionally, according to a Kaiser Family Foundation study, 69% of Americans say that death is a subject they generally avoid. These statistics illustrate that while individuals think the conversation is important, they generally avoid it.

Dialogue around planning for the end of life is challenging as it can surface emotions of fear and discomfort. The good news is, there are many excellent resources available that can help you prepare to have an effective conversation with your loved ones.

Another way to brainstorm is by deciding whether the conversation will be a broad discussion about what your parents value most, or whether there are more specific concerns that are top of mind, such as estate planning, health proxy, or advanced directive.

Once you have prepared for the conversation, it is time to initiate. For most individuals, this is the most challenging part. For this, The Conversation Project provides various questions to help you get the conversation started:

When you think about the last phase of your life, what’s most important to you?

How would you like this phase to be? Do you have any particular concerns about your health? About the last phase of your life?

What affairs do you need to get in order, or talk to your loved ones about? (Personal finances, property, relationships)

Who do you want (or not want) to be involved in your care?

Who would you like to make decisions on your behalf if you’re not able to? (This person is your health care proxy.)

Would you prefer to be actively involved in decisions about your care? Or would you rather have your health care team do what they think is best?

Are there any disagreements or family tensions that you’re concerned about?

Are there important milestones you’d like to be there for, if possible? (The birth of your grandchild, your 80th birthday.)

Where do you want (or not want) to receive care? (Home, nursing facility, hospital)

Are there kinds of treatment you would want (or not want)? (Resuscitation if your heart stops, breathing machine, feeding tube)

When would it be okay to shift from a focus on curative care to a focus on comfort care alone?

Once you’ve asked one of those questions, congrats! You and your family have started the journey of planning for the end of life. You have accomplished this first conversation with the intention to continue having these conversations throughout your lifetime.

The next step is to document their decisions. When you feel like the time is right, pass along to your parents the methods by which they can make an account of their decisions:

Health care proxy - Who will make decisions for you if you can’t?

Advance directive (by state) - What type of healthcare treatment do you want? Or not want?

Ensure these documents are distributed to appropriate family members, physicians and caregivers. Remember, these are living breathing documents, and should be updated if circumstances change.

But don’t rush it! Just having that first conversation is an accomplishment, and should make things a little easier down the road. When the time is right, let them know about peacefully’s checklist, which is a comprehensive guide to making sure end of life tasks are handled thoroughly.

We want to hear from you! Let Peacefully know how your conversation went and what other information would be helpful to share by leaving a comment below or contacting hello@peacefully.com.

—Lesley Hellow

Peacefully