How to Help an Elderly Parent when they Refuse Help

Recommending that your loved one gets the treatment they need, whether this be getting an in-home caretaker or moving out of their homes, can be difficult. Often, your loved one probably won’t ask for help, especially if they feel they will lose their independence. The harsh reality is that growing old means that it becomes more difficult to take care of yourself. Pointing it out to a loved one can be a subject that can cause resentment and anger. They don’t want to feel as if the independence that they’ve worked their entire lives for is ending, resulting in the refusal for help. You can’t force anyone to get help if they don’t want it, but if you feel like your loved one might accidentally harm themself, it may be beneficial to try to convince them to get the help that they need. Here are some ways to help them to receive care, without invalidating the difficult emotions that come with aging.

Focus on their independence

The first thing you should do is assess the situation and make note of what they can do and where they struggle. This will help you determine what kind of resources they would need. The conversation should be directed at the positives. Don’t start by telling them what they can’t do, but rather explain how receiving care will aid them in continuing their independence. For example, tell them how an in-care helper would give them more time to fulfill their hobbies. It’s useful to focus on what they still can do so that they don’t feel like their independence is being stripped away. 

Help with small tasks

It may take awhile for your loved one to warm up to the idea of receiving help, especially if they are used to being self-sufficient. Doing small tasks for them, like fixing their phone or picking up groceries, may ease them into the idea of getting care. If they are especially stubborn and refuse help with small tasks, make it seem like it’s not a big deal to you. If you are at the grocery store ask them if they need anything because you are already there anyway. Just make sure you aren’t infantilizing them; show them that you genuinely want to help. 

Make it about you

This might seem like a weird one, but if you frame it like they are the ones doing you a favor, sometimes it’s easier for them to accept. Be honest and tell them the stress you feel about them potentially harming themselves, that if they get care, it would give you a peace of mind. This may cause them to relent because it keeps the familiar dynamic of the parent taking care of the child. 

You can’t force your loved one to do anything that they don’t want to. It’s important to come at the situation with optimism and tactfulness. Be careful not to make them feel like their independence is over. Aging can be a scary thing; the thought of losing one’s self-sufficiency isn’t an easy concept to grasp. Hopefully with some thoughtful consideration, you can help your loved one get the care that they need.

— Madison Calhoon