Ways to grieve after an abortion

For many women, deciding to have, and having, an abortion represents an extremely difficult time in their lives, and can bring on an array of complex thoughts and feelings, including grief. Because of the stigma surrounding it, the grief associated with abortion may also be harder to discuss with others, and more difficult to process. This article delves into some of the nuances of grieving after an abortion, and some steps you can take to help ease the burden. 

Recognize You’re Not Alone

The first step to grieving an abortion is to normalize your experience, and reframe your thoughts to realize that your feelings are common. According to a 2017 study, one in four women have an abortion by age 45, yet so few people feel comfortable talking about it. Because of this silence, it can be helpful to speak with or listen to the stories of women who have gone through similar experiences. You can read the 26 abortion stories here in New York Magazine, or at the 1 in 3 website, or at the website Abortion Changes You.

However, it also important to keep in mind not to let the experiences of other women make you feel like you are experiencing grief “wrong.” Your experience is unique and comes with its own struggles, and just because one women experienced post-abortion one way, does not mean that your experience is any less valid. These resources are here to show that many (but not all) women who have had abortions have also had some of the same emotions you may be feeling. 

Allow Yourself to Feel Grief

Sometimes you may feel that you do not deserve to grieve an abortion. This is because grief associated with an abortion is disenfranchised grief, which essentially means society minimizes this form of grief. For example, some people may not give you the support or acknowledgement of your grief because they think that because you decided on an abortion there is no reason for you to feel grief afterwards.

However, just because an abortion was the right decision for you, does not mean that you are not allowed to grieve. It’s crucial to remember that your feelings are valid, and if you feel like no one is listening to or empathizing with you, you may want to express that (e.g. telling people that you want their support despite how they personally feel on the subject).

If you still feel unsupported and unjustified in your grief, you can turn to resources like Exhale, a hotline and website for women post-abortion that emphasizes allowing women to talk about their personal experiences with abortion, or to a grief counselor if you want more in-depth care. 

Forgive Yourself 

For some women, abortion has an extremely negative connotation. Sometimes for religious reasons, sometimes because of societal pressures, women see abortion as “bad” or “wrong,” and this can lead to a lot of inner conflict and tension after they have an abortion. Because of their values, these women might feel deep guilt and shame.

The remedy for these emotions is to be kind to yourself, and find a way to truly forgive yourself. Doing this might include seeking forgiveness from your church, or learning to not internalize negative statements other people say about you.

When faced with a personal crisis of this nature, it may be helpful to try to fit your abortion into your personal narrative - that is, your story and how you see yourself - in a positive light. For example, while abortion may be against your religious beliefs, you chose to get an abortion because you didn’t feel you could afford to provide for a (or perhaps another) child, and by doing so you upheld your more important value of ensuring the wellbeing of yourself and your family.

Ultimately, if you felt an abortion was the right choice for you, then feelings of shame and guilt, while perfectly natural, will not last forever. (As a side note, if you are someone that feels very little shame or guilt after your abortion, that is perfectly fine too - everyone’s experience is bound to be different!)

Normal Grief Work

At the end of the day, grief after abortion is more complicated than some other forms of grief because of the stigma surrounding it. So while many of the tips above talk about the nuances of grieving after an abortion specifically, this is a reminder that grief is grief in all its forms.

Many of the ways people deal with other kinds of grief still apply to grief after an abortion, such as taking time to allow yourself to grieve, finding ways to remember the one you lost, and expressing your feelings, whether through grief journalling or talking with a close friend. If you don’t know where to start, try these grief worksheets that have helped many people through difficult times. 

An abortion can cause a unique case of grief, but that doesn’t mean it should be minimized or ignored. There are many reasons why allowing yourself to grieve is important, and because of this it is crucial to give yourself the time and space to recuperate after an abortion. 

— Avery Tamura