Three ways siblings can support each other after a death

A death in the family can alter dynamics between siblings within moments, opening up roads that may lead to either misery or peace. Even if there were few similarities between you and your sibling(s), you may share deep memories of your lost ones, perhaps more than anyone else. Here are a few suggestions for how to support a sibling after a death in ways that will lead to healing and acceptance.

Be aware of different coping mechanisms

One of the main concepts to understand when grieving is that each person has a different way of coping with traumatic events, whether it be denial, depression, anger, confusion, guilt, blaming, or some combination of these. To confuse these coping mechanisms for something else risks invalidating your sibling’s feelings, which could lead to resentment.

Siblings are not guaranteed to act similarly, especially in moments of heartbreak. Maybe you have a younger sibling you were extremely close to, but after the passing of a loved one they completely shut you out. You may take this as mean, wrong, or traitorous, but understanding why your sibling is acting that way is much better than accusing them of something worse.

Or, for another example, you have an older sibling you did not get along well with, but after a passing of a parent they seem to be overly emotional and wanting to reach out. Your immediate reaction could be to turn them away, as you are not used to such intimacy or coping mechanism from this person, but both of you might need the vulnerability as a way to grieve the current situation.

Try to focus your energy on understanding your sibling’s coping mechanism and supporting them in response to that knowledge. This support can seem trivial when you are also coping, grieving, and frustrated, but the effort put into strengthening the relationship with your sibling can prove to be more powerful in addressing grief than you can imagine.

Whether or not the relationship was strong or estranged, it can be the most important to understand each other’s coping as a way to unite rather than to detach in torment. The few steps in opening yourself up to emotional awareness can prove to be a powerful tool in addressing grief and fostering acceptance. 

Know your/their boundaries

Although it may seem that the loss of a parent or relative can limit grief to surrounding kin, you or your sibling(s) cannot be each other’s only system of support at this difficult time, nor should it be either of your responsibilities. By recognizing such limitations in one’s own emotional capacity, you can begin to set expectations and boundaries for grief support while also possibly forging even stronger relationships with friends or significant others.

As is often true, boundaries can be difficult to set, and it may seem to you or your sibling that the barriers are a way of pushing the other person out. However, emotional boundaries can create even stronger relationships as you begin to understand how you can be there for one another without draining each other’s emotional batteries. With these thoughts in mind, you and your sibling(s) can tackle the harder obstacles in grieving together.

Learn how to move forward

After a while, you and your sibling(s) might be ready to move on from the grieving process. However, as most people know, grief is not something that disappears overnight.

From this knowledge, you may consider ways that you and your siblings can communicate when you need support. Maybe once a week you and your older brother decide to actively check in with each other on a call, talk about any thoughts or feelings surrounding the passing of your loved one. Or if talking is not your “thing,” you may decide to send each other gifts once in a while to let each other know that you are still in each other’s thoughts and that the bridge of support is never closed.

Whatever the mechanism may be, knowing how to go forward with the expectation of support and active listening is crucial in maintaining the support system you had built during the grieving process.

After a death, whatever dynamic forms between you and your siblings is up to both of you. Here’s hoping it will be fruitful in support and love.

— Jenny Kim