The Myths Around Grief

Throughout history, myths have existed to give context to different phenomenal experiences. They are often fables with narratives that are out of this world. The integrity of these myths have often been associated with folklore. They are ideas that are widely held but false and not objectively true. In this article, I will try to dispel some of the myths and stigmas surrounding grief. 

Myth 1: Grief can only happen when someone dies. 

I can almost guarantee that as long as you have lived, you have grieved. Therapist and NYT Best Selling Author, Nedra Glover Tawab reminds us:

“You grieve the parents you never had. You grieve your children not living up to your expectations. You grieve your partner not meeting your every need. You grieve not having a job you love. You grieve family not being a safe place. You grieve not having the life you dreamed for yourself. You grieve not being seen.”

You can grieve what you never had, and you can miss people or things that are still here. Grief is not an emotion that happens only when one has experienced the death of someone close to them. It is a process that one goes through in any stage of their life.  

Myth 2: There is a specific process to experience the stages of grief

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the world to the Kübler-Ross model, more commonly known as The five stages of Grief. Her 1969 book, On Death and Dying, explained grief as a progression of the following emotions: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Many people since then have found that when processing grief they often experience these emotions in order. This, however, does not mean that this order is the only way to experience grief. People grieve in different ways and for different periods of time. Some people can experience long bouts of depression followed by anger and denial. Others can find acceptance fairly easy and may never go through the bargaining stage. There is no specific process for the stages of grief. Give yourself time to grieve in a way that is unique to you. 

Myth 3:  It’s best to just get over it

Grief is not something you overcome, it is something you experience. Many people tell themselves “I just need to keep my mind busy” or “ I should be over it already”. These thoughts can seem encouraging, but they are often not the best way to approach the situation. Distraction and diversion are helpful tools to minimize the immediate effects of grief. They can also help you suppress some of the negative emotions you feel, they are NOT, however, a good strategy. Grieving is work and there will be times when you might want to rush the process. Take a moment to try and understand how you feel and allow yourself the space to heal and give yourself some grace. Learn to lean into the hard emotions and then lean out when you need some rest. 

Myth 4: Tears and emotions are a sign of weakness

There are some people that believe showing emotions are a sign of weakness. They pride themselves on being logical and self-reliant. The fact is that almost everyone feels emotions. Tears are a biological response to some emotions which can bring joy, like the pride in a parent’s eyes when they see their child succeed, or pain, like tears from a heartbreak. Overall, we live in a society that normalizes strength as stoicism and this can sometimes be dangerous. It is my personal opinion that the strongest people I know, feel deeply and are in tune with their emotions. They use these same emotions to empower themselves and move forward. Comments such as “They would want you to be strong” or “Those tears won’t bring them back” are far too common. Even though they mean well, allow people to grieve the way they need to for however long they need to. 

Myth 5: It ends

There are times when Grief can be overwhelming. There are stories of families that have survived insurmountable trauma. There will not always be closure in situations like these. The grieving process in this case can last a lifetime. There are some things we will not get over. The bright side is that we can move forward. 

Take a minute and center yourself. Breathe in and imagine filling your lungs with patience.  Grieving is hard work, but we can all get through it just a little at a time.

— Catherine Rosales