Outliving a Deceased Parent

Writer, producer, and filmmaker, Ava DuVernay was once asked “how do you deal with heartbreak?” She replied “You don’t. You live with it like a stranger until it becomes familiar and changes form. Until it becomes knowledge and power. But until then, just let it walk beside you. There’s really nothing else to be done.”

My mother was 22 when she passed away. She was expecting another baby and nothing really could have prepared my father and I to lose them both. No one ever thinks about outliving their parent until they get to that age, I lost my mother when I was 5 yrs old, and now as I write, I sit here thinking to myself that I am now older than my mom will ever be. Being older than a parent is an interesting feeling. For one, there is the idea that you will only ever know them as they were the age they passed. To me and my family, my mom will never be older than 22, like a memory frozen in time. She was able to get a lot done in her short time here on earth. She was married, had me, went to college, and from what I know, was keen on self-improvement. In a journal entry just 4 months before her passing, she writes:

“As I look at my life again, I see a woman that is very confused. I really dont have any idea what I want to do in my life. Maybe it the fact that I didnt do things in order. By that I mean, the fact that I became a mom before a teeen and a wife before a woman… One thing I do know about myself is that I love to help people I want to educate myself and help people. Maybe that’s why its so hard to begin. There are a lot of areas where there is help needed. I need to know where my talent is needed the most.”

Therapist and NYT bestselling author Nedra Glover Tawab reminds us that when grieving, “you can not rush the process even when it’s uncomfortable or inconvenient.” Everyone grieves differently, and the way you express sorrow and sadness might look different from others. She also reminds us that “There are things you might never get over… but you can move forward”.

Allow yourself the space to feel what you feel. Understand that feelings and actions are two different things and that feelings like sadness, grief, and sorrow don’t have to be destructive. Choose to move forward and remember all the good times you had with your loved one.

Over the years I have been blessed to understand a few things in my life. Take advantage of the time you spend with your loved ones. Learn from them and show them they’re important to you. Tell them you love them and make sure they feel loved by you. I have been beyond blessed to have shared time and space with my mother. Even if it was only for 5 years. It was more than enough. Our love is deep and eternal. It knows no boundaries and has no concept of time. To all the beautiful mothers out there, you are seen and you are loved.

— Catherine Rosales