How to help children cope with Alzheimer's in the family

Watching a relative or friend progress through the stages of Alzheimer’s disease can be frightening, even for adults. It can be all the more so for a child struggling to understand why Grandma is acting so strangely or can’t remember who you are. It’s important to take the time to explain Alzheimer’s or dementia to your child and provide comfort. Read on to find helpful suggestions for how to have this difficult but necessary conversation.

Anticipate your child’s questions

When your child asks questions, respond with simple, honest answers. For starters, here are some of the questions they might ask, and advice on how to respond:

• What’s wrong with grandma? Children, especially very young children, may not know the difference between an illness you usually recover from and one that is permanent. Tell kids that grandma’s disease is not like catching a cold or running a fever. Then clarify that, on the one hand, the disease isn’t going to get better, you can’t come down with the illness when you are around your loved one. If your child is fond of hugging their grandparent or sitting on their lap, make sure they know they can still do that. You might want to say that being close to Grandma or Grandpa is more important than ever.

• Doesn’t grandpa love me anymore? Your child might feel rejected if the person who has Alzheimer’s disease no longer recognizes him or her. Remind your child that the disease makes it hard to remember things – but that the person can still feel your child’s love.

• Is it my fault? If the person who has Alzheimer’s accuses your child of some wrongdoing – such as misplacing keys – your child might internalize it and think they did something wrong. Explain to your child that the person with Alzheimer’s is confused. You might explain that it’s best not to correct this person because it could make the person upset or frustrated.

• What will happen next? If you’ll be caring for the person who has Alzheimer’s in your home, talk to your child about changes in your family’s routine. Explain to your child that the person will have good days and bad days.

If your child has trouble talking about the situation or withdraws from the person with Alzheimer’s, open a conversation. Ask what changes your child has noticed in the person. This might lead to a talk about your child’s concerns and a chance for you to guide them through their feelings, whether they are nervous, sad, or angry.

Be prepared for emotional expression

Your child might also express emotions in indirect ways, such as by complaining of headaches or other physical problems. Your child might feel awkward around the person with Alzheimer’s. If you’re caring for the person with Alzheimer’s in your home, your child might be reluctant to invite friends to the house or may look for ways to spend time away from home. If you notice these behaviors, gently point out what you’ve seen and offer comfort and support. Be sure your child feels heard and has a chance to thoroughly express themselves.

Stay involved and keep the relationship going

Letting children be a part of daily routines helps them be less afraid of the changes in behavior. To help your child stay connected to the person who has Alzheimer’s, involve both of them in familiar activities – such as setting the table together. Sorting activities offer great stimulation and provide learning opportunities for children. These can be practical lie sorting laundry, photographs or silverware; or made-up lie sorting buttons or coins. Younger children can stay connected by paging through photo albums, listening to music or doing other simple activities together. Older children can also participate in activities or volunteer for organizations that help those with Alzheimer’s disease.

If your child becomes impatient with the person who has Alzheimer’s, remind your child that the behavior isn’t intentional – it’s a result of the disease. Together, you can shift the focus to finding ways to connect with and show love to their loved one, regardless of their condition.

— Jamie Lim