How to grieve the loss of a co-worker

Co-workers occupy a unique position in our lives. We spend a significant portion of our day with them, sharing successes, failures, and the (occasional) complaint about a boss. Sometimes, co-workers can even become close friends. Yet the passing of a co-worker occupies a gray space: we may not feel like we have permission to grieve and mourn their death as we would a friend or family member.

There are a variety of reasons why grieving the death of a co-worker is particularly challenging. Many around you may not recognize the impact your co-worker had on your life, and they will assume you will get over the loss quickly. Additionally, you may not know the friends or family members of your co-worker, making it difficult to determine whether you should be involved in the funeral or other memorial events.

Perhaps the greatest challenge is the difficulty of grieving in the workplace. Employers generally do not encourage the practice, and co-workers may find it difficult to discuss the death without formal guidance. Often, the expectation is that emotions should not enter the workplace: work is for work, and personal matters should be dealt with at home.

However, properly grieving and mourning a workplace loss requires acknowledging it within the workplace. By recognizing the impact of the loss, you’ll make others feel more comfortable grieving and expressing their emotions at work. In other words, your actions give individuals the comfort of knowing they have permission to grieve.

After acknowledging the death, it can be helpful to organize grief groups or some other gathering where individuals are able to discuss the death. An important step in healing from a loss is outwardly expressing our grief, a process known as mourning. Group discussions allow individuals to express their emotions and support each other. Often, other co-workers can form a meaningful support group given these individuals knew and likely formed an impactful bond with the deceased.

Many companies have an employee assistance program (EAP) that is able to provide a professional counselor to lead discussions. If professional assistance is unavailable, staff members should feel comfortable organizing informal grief groups among themselves. EAP may also offer one-on-one counseling, which employees may find beneficial. Your human resource department and/or manager should advertise the availability of these sessions so that the staff is aware of this service. If they do not, contact them directly to find out more.

Additionally, staff members can support the co-worker’s family by sending support and, if it’s appropriate, attending the funeral. You and your company or team should feel comfortable sending something as a group to the deceased’s family. Flowers are a popular choice; other options include a card, a food basket, a gift card to a meal delivery service, or even a memorial book with photos of your co-worker and their accomplishments. Additionally, you and your team should decide, as a group, your funeral attendance plans: forming a plan will ease the uncertainty of determining whether or not you should go to the funeral. Furthermore, attending the funeral as a group may ease any potential awkwardness.

You and your co-workers may also find it valuable to create a workplace memorial for your co-worker. While many workers may not be able to attend the funeral, a memorial specific to the workplace ensures all staff members are able to remember the legacy of the deceased. A workplace memorial can take on a variety of forms. For example, you and your co-workers may choose to hold a small service with a slideshow or hang a poster with photos and articles illustrating your co-worker’s impact. Alternately, you may choose to name a conference room or plant a tree in honor of your co-worker.

There is no one correct way to mourn your loss, though each approach will lead to healing. While many workplace gatherings have gone remote, there are still a variety of ways to remotely grieve your loss and ultimately heal. Peacefully has compiled a list of ways to remotely cope with a loss during the Covid-19 pandemic.

— Jon Scalabrini