5 Ways to Better Connect with your Adult Children

As your children grow in their own identities it can be difficult to navigate the changes that come with your new role. Your bond changes from parent to child into more of a friend and mentor. As time goes on, it can be challenging to keep up with children that have started their own families or moved far away. These tips can work for anyone who is willing to share a connection with their child at any stage in their life. 

1. Communicate in ways that work for both of you

Technology in the new century has made it quick and easy to connect with people all over the world. What would have taken weeks with a horse-drawn courier centuries ago, is now a touch of a button away. Phones allow you to speak directly to your child via facetime if you have an apple device. You can also use Duo with a Samsung to chat face-to-face. If your child lives close by there is also something special about seeing them in person. Whatever works best for both of you, is the best method to use.

2. Practice active listening and validation

An active listener is fully present in the conversation at hand. They show interest by practicing good eye contact, noticing, and using non-verbal cues. They ask open-ended questions to encourage further responses by paraphrasing or reflecting back on what has been said. Overall, an active listener listens to understand rather than to respond. Lastly, they withhold judgment and advice since they know they are just there to listen. 

You can use active listening methods paired with validation to connect better with your children. Validation is recognizing and acknowledging that your children's feelings and opinions are valid and worth listening to. Validation often sounds like “We don’t share the same beliefs but I can see that this is important to you” or “I can see you’re making an effort”. Even something as small as “sounds tough”, can be validating to a person who can be struggling or overcome with emotion. Active listening and validation is a skill that comes with time and practice. The more you use these skills the closer bond you can build with your children.

3. Explore common interests

There are plenty of ways to find time to spend with your children. Ask them what types of movies and TV shows they like. Make it a weekly ritual with a small bag of popcorn. Go hiking with them and stay active together. You can even share your music tastes! Music is one thing that will always bring people together. Whatever you do, have fun and enjoy the time you spend together.

4. Have a family day

Invite the whole family to dinner and enjoy each other's company over some good food. You can also use cooking as a method of getting closer to each other. Family game night is another great idea for getting everyone together. Dust off a cool board game and play to bring out the competitive spirit. Remember that the point of game night is to enjoy the time you spend with your children. 

5. Show and tell them how you feel 

Gary Chapman writes in his bestselling book, The 5 Love Languages, “Inside every child is an emotional tank waiting to be filled”, and just like children, adults need their “love tank” filled too. The book goes on to explain that there are 5 love languages that include: Words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. There are plenty of ways to fill your child’s emotional tank and sometimes you don't have to say it with words. In an interview with Oprah, Nobel Prize-winning novelist Toni Morrison states, “It's interesting to see when a kid walks in the room, your child or anybody else's child, does your face light up? That's what they're looking for.” She goes on to give an example of making sure her children were well dressed and clean, thinking your affection is on display because you are caring for them. However, when they see you, they see the critical face, the internal struggle “are they ready? Do they look presentable? Is everything in order?” Make sure your face matches what is in your heart. 

 

So ask yourself, the next time you make plans with your children, does your face light up? Learn to navigate the changes that come with the new relationship you and your child will create. Make time to connect with your children. You will see it’s worth the investment.

— Catherine Rosales