Manage conflicts

More than 40% of families experience conflict related to an estate. Money and grief can bring up old issues and escalate existing divides. Use best practices for communication to avoid conflict.

1) Be clear about your goal for the process

  • Are family relationships more important than financial outcomes?

  • If you are willing to prioritize keeping your family together over financial concerns, keep this in mind during the process

2) Don’t link relationship dynamics to the distribution of assets/heirlooms/ special property

  • Bringing up things such as who was emotionally closer and who did more caretaking is one of the most common ways that conflict develops in a family during this phase

  • While there may be real divisions in the relationships and caretaking, discuss them later and detach from money

  • When you see a frustrating behavior, take a step back and a deep breath

3) If you are taking executor fees (as dictated by state law), tell your family upfront

  • Share the total value of the estate and any new information on the value of items. Conflicts often arise because people think that the executor stole or didn’t get the full value for items or sold something sentimental

  • Even though you are in charge legally, try to get buy-in for big decisions

4) For things that are not dictated by the will, discuss what everyone thinks is fair and go for a consensus

  • People have different ideas about what is fair - some think things should be divided equally while others may think those with less should get more

  • Make sure each person feels included and heard

  • Unless wishes were written down, discuss all perspectives about what the deceased would have wanted / what is fair

5) Get professional help early if conflict starts to arise

  • www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/

  • www.professionalmediator.org

emotional/spiritualJennifer Goodspiritual, emotionalComment