How to talk to older family members about the process of aging

At some point, most older adults will need assistance in their daily lives. Driving, as one example, becomes increasingly harder, and eventually almost impossible, as we age. When our parents, grandparents, or other family members get to a point where they are no longer able to complete certain tasks, we often have to intervene to help them adjust to less mobility, balance, or other obstacles. However, most older adults can find it difficult to accept that they can no longer do some of the things they’ve been doing for years. When faced with a stubborn or reluctant older family member, here are a few tips to having open and successful conversations about aging. 

Ask them what they want

A common fear of many parents is losing their independence, and when children try to “parent” their parents, it can be hard to accept. To make this transition easier, make sure to ask your older family members what they want. Ask questions like “how do you want to solve this problem” or “what adjustments can we make to make this easier for you?” Asking questions like these makes coming to a decision much quicker and ensures that your family member is satisfied with the result. Even if you don’t end up doing exactly what they suggested, very often you’ll get a better idea of what they are looking for in a solution and a compromise can be made. 

Most good conversations begin with a question. Instead of advice, older family members probably want to discuss their options. Include them in the decision making process to give them more autonomy over their own lives.

Be patient 

Most of us can agree that our parents and sometimes grandparents can be very stubborn. What we have to keep in mind when talking with them about aging is that they’ve been living on their own terms for decades. It can be extremely difficult to then admit you need help driving, remembering things, moving around, and doing other basic tasks.

If you’re trying to convince an older family member to let you help them, you should expect it to take many conversations. You’ll probably have to have the same conversations over and over again before they even consider what you propose, and after that they will need time to adjust.

Just remember that it’s all part of the process, and constantly try to empathize with them. Older adults in their position often feel vulnerable, sometimes lonely, and you have to make sure they know you are on their side, even when you’re disagreeing.  

Agree to disagree 

At the end of the day, the relationship between you and your family member is the most important factor. Sometimes, your parent may just never agree with you, and sometimes that’s okay. If you’ve tried asking them for solutions and being patient with them, and they still refuse to let you start driving them, move into assisted living, etc. then sometimes you need to make your peace with it.

A crucial element of maintaining a healthy relationship is to know when to pick your battles. Maybe your parent insists on living alone, so instead of fighting them, insist that you make their house more safe to live in (such as installing a seat in the bathtub or applying nonslip wax on floors). If your relationship with your family member has always been a bit complicated, then recognize that this means communication might be harder, which means you’ll probably have to compromise on many issues.

If you feel a situation is extremely dire, try bringing a third-party expert into the conversation, such as a geriatric care manager, a financial planner, counselor, or lawyer, depending on the situation. Most of the time though, strong communication and exercise will lead to decisions that leave everyone satisfied. 

It’s not easy trying to tell your older family members that you think they need help. They are usually the ones who cared for you, and you caring for them can seem strange and intrusive to many parents and grandparents. But ultimately, every older adult needs help eventually, and having those conversations can be crucial to their wellbeing and your peace of mind. These tips can help create a healthy dialogue, so if you think your loved one needs help, today is a good day to start the conversation. 

— Avery Tamura