How to support a parent who is grieving the loss of their spouse

It is natural for adult children to support a grieving parent after that parent’s spouse dies, whether by assisting with arrangements, notifying family and friends, or offering comfort. However, once the service is over and friends and relatives return home, that parent’s grief process is just beginning.

Life transitions therapist Paula Shaw says, “Adult children’s grief is generally marked by sorting through memories of the deceased parent and worrying about changes to come, while the surviving parent faces daily reminders of their loss.”

Adult children often try to take over the care of a grieving parent, but many feel helpless in seeing that their elder’s pain is not being lifted. If you can’t rescue your grieving parent from his or her pain, what can you do? Below are some suggestions for how best to deal with a parent who has lost their spouse.

Talk About Your Own Feelings
Talking about your own feelings of grief and missing your loved one can provide a sense of normalcy and comfort for your surviving parent. An example is “I miss when dad used to …”.

Share your own grief experiences and “bursts,” which are moments when something triggers a memory of your loved one and you’re overcome with emotion. Grief bursts can include a certain song, scent, someone who resembles your loved one and more.

By sharing your grief bursts with your parent, it can help him or her not feel so alone. Grief is a lonely road, and when we can help someone feel a little less lonely, we’re helping them along their grief journey.

Ask Specific Questions
It is helpful to ask specific questions about how your parent is doing in terms of their grief. Is there a time when he or she misses their spouse the most (morning, bedtime, dinner, etc.)? Is there a certain season or time of year that’s harder?

When you specifically ask your parent how he or she is doing in terms of their grief and missing their spouse, it allows that person to be clear in what you’re asking. It also helps the person know you really do care about how he or she is doing since the death of their spouse. When someone takes the time to mention the name of the person who died or ask the bereaved person how he or she is doing, it can sometimes be a “gift” for the person who is grieving.

Offer Tangible Assistance
Offer tangible ways you can help with your parent’s “to-do” list, whether it’s something that their spouse used to take care of, or some other errand taken off their plate. Ideas include yard work, cooking or baking, taking out the garbage, grocery shopping, etc. You can help with these to-dos every other week, once a month, once a season, whatever is reasonable for your schedule and what needs to get done.

Show Up
Your parent may not ask you to show up, but they will be grateful you did. After the death of a loved one, the surviving loved ones are often overcome by the care and concern shown by others. But as time goes on, it doesn’t take long for people to go back to their normal lives, and the bereaved spouse is left to figure out how to make a new normal for his or herself. He or she goes from being a “couple” to “single” person.

There are many common grief reactions, but the one that always seems to stand out for grieving individuals is loneliness and yearning for their loved one. Showing up to visit doesn’t bring back their loved one, but it does help to fill their time and helps reduce their loneliness. Other ideas of things you can do include inviting the person to a community event or out for dinner.

Acknowledge Special Days
Remember the special days - not only the first year, but especially the years after that. Often, the second year is harder than the first because less people acknowledge their grief and/or special days like they did the first year.

Your parent’s need for support continues long after the funeral, and they may also be grieving secondary losses related to the death. When a parent is dealing with the loss of the spouse, they are trying to figure out what to do, who they are and what the future will hold. A simple check-in, either in person or over the phone, can mean the world to a bereaved parent. Especially when a person is feeling raw and vulnerable, the little things add up to a lot.

— Jamie Lim