How to help students grieve the loss of a classmate
For students of any age, the loss of a classmate can be a traumatic experience. The disconnect between death and young life is hard to sort out, while the death, in some cases, can be a student’s first exposure to grief. Whether close friends or distant acquaintances, losing someone from school impacts everyone. If you’re in a leadership role as a teacher or administrator, take the following steps to support grieving students, and prepare the class to help those who are grieving feel comfortable and reassured:
1. Have conversations before students return: Ask what the class wants to know about the death, funeral arrangements, etc. If possible, contact the family prior to the student’s return to school to let the student know you are thinking of them and want to help make their return to school as comforting as possible.
2. Discuss how difficult it may be for their classmate(s) to return to school and how they can help: You can ask your class for ideas about how they would like others to treat them if they were returning to school after a death, pointing out differences in preferences. Some students may wish to be left alone, while others want the circumstances discussed freely. While students usually don’t want to be in the spotlight, they also don’t want people acting like nothing happened.
3. Provide a way for your class to reach out to the grieving classmate and their family: One of the ways that students can reach out is by sending cards or pictures to their classmate and family, letting them know the class is thinking of them.
4. Provide flexibility and support to the grieving student when they return to class: Recognize that your student will have difficulty concentrating and focusing on school work. Make a plan for them to be able to leave the classroom when they need additional support throughout the school day. This could include talking with a counselor, close teacher, or having time to check in with their family.
5. Discuss the event with the affected classes: When a classmate dies, a teacher, counselor, or administrator may want to reach out to the deceased student’s class or classes first. The students in these classes will feel the most impact from the death. Be prepared for questions about the event, making sure the school staff is aware of the facts and of what is going to be shared.
6. Give students positive ways to channel their grief: Help students work through their grief by helping them channel their feelings into positive actions. This can provide closure and help students come to a place where they can move on. For example, let the children release balloons, plant trees, or make a memory book for the deceased classmate’s family.
Do’s and Don’ts with Grieving Students
DO listen. Grieving students need a safe, trusted adult who will listen to them.
DO follow routines. Routines provide a sense of safety for grieving students.
DO set limits. When grieving, students many experience lapses in concentration or exhibit risk taking behavior. Setting clear limits provides a more secure and safe environment for everyone under these circumstances.
DO NOT suggest that the student has grieved long enough.
DO NOT indicate that the student should get over it and move on.
DO NOT act as if nothing has happened.
DO NOT expect the student to complete all assignments on a timely basis.