How to grieve a parent you didn't get along with

Parent-child relationships are often strained and fraught with conflict, sometimes to the point where you become estranged from a parent for years. Despite the reasons for not getting along with your parent, it is common to still experience distress after their death. You may feel a deeper grief than you expected to feel for their passing, or you may not feel much grief but still struggle with a feeling of guilt. This article focuses on the source of what you may be feeling, as well as ways to cope. 

Relief and guilt

If you had a complicated relationship with your parent, it is normal for you to feel a sense of relief: relief that they won’t be meddling in your life; relief that you don’t have the burden of taking care of the; or a general sense of relief that one source of tension and conflict has ended.

However, the usual reaction to feeling relief is guilt: guilt that you could feel that way about your parent, or about another human being who has died. What you have to remember is that you have your own life to live.

The truth is, having a difficult parent is stressful. And it’s OK to feel some relief that you won’t have to deal with those stressful conflicts anymore, especially if arguing with your parent just felt like having the same conversation over and over again. Don’t think of it as feeling relieved that someone has died; instead, view it as feeling relieved that a negative relationship will no longer add strain to your life. 

Grieving the parent vs. grieving what could have been 

Another common emotion for people who have lost a parent they didn’t particularly like is grieving when they expected they wouldn’t grieve for this person.

It’s totally normal to grieve someone you didn’t like, especially if they played such a large role in your life as a parent does. Maybe you have started reflecting on the good times you had, or some of the times they were there for you.

However, it is also important to distinguish between grieving your parent and grieving what the relationship could have been. You may be feeling the loss of the opportunity to reconcile with your parent or improve that relationship. Even if you never planned on doing so, it is still hard to accept that it isn’t even a possibility anymore.

If these statements resonate with you, it may help to think about the root causes of the tension in your relationship. It would have been nice if your parent was less difficult, but the reality is they were too negligent, rude, imposing—whatever was true in your case. This kind of reality check can prevent you from creating an idealized version of your relationship and then grieving that version. 

You may be experiencing both emotions: grief for the parent and grief for the relationship that maybe could have been, and along with that you may be upset that you never gained closure from that relationship. Your parent has probably hurt you emotionally in a number of ways, and not being able to express that to them or ever get it off your chest can hurt too.

To cope with this, you may want to find other ways to find closure after their death, such as writing them a letter to them or journaling about your grief. You could also think of ways that you grew from that relationship, as a way of working through how that emotional pain shaped you into the person you are.

For example, if you had a father who was never there for you, you can think about how that experience taught you how to be a better parent to your own children. Or you can think about how your meddling parent taught you how to say “no” and stand up for what you wanted. 

Coping with other people who are grieving

Another harsh reality is that there may be family members, such as siblings or aunts or uncles that you have a good relationship with, that got along with your parent and are deeply saddened by their passing. This may make you feel isolated and feel more guilt because you are surrounded by people who are reacting very differently than you are.

To deal with this, just remember that everyone is entitled to their own grieving process. You had a different relationship with the deceased, and that means your experience is going to be a little different from everyone else, and that’s totally okay. Try your best to block out other people’s grieving process and just focus on your emotions and coping with your own grief. 

Losing anyone is hard, but losing a parent you didn’t like adds new layers of grief, relief, and guilt. Like with any grief, take your time in processing your emotions and use the strategies we mentioned above to help you navigate through these difficult times.

— Avery Tamura