Grieving a death that occurred during childbirth

Losing your partner during or after childbirth can be one of the most devastating developments imaginable. There really is no preparation for this kind of feeling, only the aftermath of what remains from the loving relationship you once shared with your partner. As you try to cope with and move on from such a tragedy, it may be helpful to know the current health situation surrounding maternal deaths in the US, and suggestions on how to approach the weight of your grief . 

The Truth About Pregnancy-Related/Maternal Deaths in the US

Deaths from childbirth are more common than one thinks; in 2018, 658 women in the United States died while pregnant, in childbirth or within 42 days after pregnancy, according to US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's National Vital Statistics Reports. Pregnancy-related deaths have been increasing since 1987, a majority of which were Black and Indigenous women. But few wish to think about these statistics, especially when their partner seems to be at the utmost health prior to or during pregnancy. Grieving such a loss, therefore, can be extremely difficult and lonesome.

Many factors contribute to deaths from childbirth, including heart conditions, heavy bleeding, or weakened heart muscle. Black and Indigenous women majorly suffer due to unequal access to proper healthcare before, during, and after pregnancy; these social determinants of health lead to the unfair disadvantage of child bearing and increased potential for pregnancy-related deaths.

Grieving the Loss

Losing a loved one from pregnancy or childbirth is something no person wants to experience. Knowing how to support yourself becomes daunting as you not only have to consider your own mental health but also support for your child(ren).

Every situation is going to be different, but the main things to consider are 1) being transparent to yourself and 2) being transparent to your child. Know that you are not a superhuman, and be willing to seek out support, either from family or friends, or therapy.

It can be easy to isolate yourself, potentially feeling that no one else understands exactly what you are going through; however, this should not be a deterrent in finding comfort with other people who also value your significant other. Look through photos together, talk about certain shared memories, listen to each other’s feelings as they also lost someone significant to them as well. Find ways to get other people to help you, whether it’s through organizing bills and budgets, picking your child up from daycare, or helping clean the house; these jobs do not only have to be your sole responsibility but rather a way for you to develop a supporting community around you.

Setting a separate time each week to talk to a therapist, even if it doesn’t seem useful, can be essential to developing a constant communication outlet so that you are not keeping all your emotions to yourself. It is okay to miss, to cry, and to hurt, but do not isolate yourself during this vulnerable time. 

In time, being transparent to your child may also prove quite difficult. One way to ease such moments is to be straightforward with your child from the beginning, such as saying that their mother is no longer here. You can choose to say that she is in heaven (or whatever afterlife is part of your belief practice). Communicate with your child that their mother is gone but is always watching over them.

Grieving together, with your child, can be even more important as the bond between you is strengthened rather than weakened. It can be powerful to depend on each other, much more than one would think. Communicate how you are feeling, and let them communicate to you how they are feeling. Grieving does not have to feel so alone.

Pregnancy-related deaths are devastating. There is no blueprint for how to “get over” such an event in one’s life. Take it day by day, knowing that you have the support you need and that you are stronger than you think.  

— Jenny Kim