Dealing with Caregiver's Guilt: Prioritizing Oneself

A common fear that many of us share is the thought of our parents getting old. Once the time does come, children face new responsibilities concerning the newly transformed parent-child relationship; suddenly, the child has morphed into the caretaker of their original caregiver.

This change is not only scary but comes with a handful of new emotions and feelings. One of those is guilt. Caregiver’s guilt is most often defined as the belief that a caregiver is not doing enough for their loved one. Despite supporting and caring for their loved ones, children of aging parents may feel like they are not offering enough support or care for their parents. When confronted with these feelings of inadequacy, children may surpass their boundaries, exhaust themselves, and develop anxiety. While their efforts come from a place of love, their actions can negatively impact their own lives.

Caregivers may feel guilty for multiple reasons. For some, the lingering threat of limited time leads to a sense of guilt. Perhaps the mere realization that these are the final years of their parents’ lives makes children want to savor every moment. Similarly, children may feel guilty for unresolved conflicts, compensating for that guilt by extensively caring for their parents. Additionally, caregivers may compare themselves to other caregivers, analyzing their contributions in comparison to those of others. While feelings of guilt are valid, they may have poor consequences on the lives of the caregivers. 

Therefore, it is important to recognize feelings of guilt, prioritize yourself, welcome forgiveness, and ask for additional support.

The first and hardest step of this process is to recognize the guilt. Acknowledging guilt is important because it allows one to deal with it better. Exercises that improve self-awareness like mindfulness and journaling can help with this task. After doing so, the caregiver can accept that they are only human; flaws and mistakes are natural components of our lives.

The second step involves prioritizing oneself. Putting yourself first is a common piece of advice that may sound like a broken record. However, it can be hard to act upon. Thus, adopting self-care tactics like setting boundaries and developing a routine that you stick to can help nurture a healthy balance between you and your parent.  

If the guilt stems from past issues and unresolved conflicts, the caregiver should unpack those in an appropriate manner. Whether that be letting go of the past or confronting a loved one, every situation will have a different solution. Nonetheless, forgiveness is key to letting go of the past which you cannot change. 

Lastly, asking for support should not be frowned upon. Whether that be for you or your parent, it is okay to ask for extra help. You can rely on your friends and family for personal support, as well as a therapist if you wish to unpack things further. For your parent, retirement homes and professional carers are good options that can help reduce your workload and provide sufficient aid. You may not have the time or skills to cater to your parent’s needs, so reaching out to a professional can benefit both parties.

While this is easier said than done, everyone should strive to prioritize their well-being. Feelings of guilt are normal and natural toward people we care about, but we should not lose touch with our own needs and priorities.

— Eugenia Shakhnovskaya