Absent grief: when you're not grieving like you expected, and what to do about it

No matter how much you read up online, there is truly nothing that can prepare you for the reality that hits you like grief does.

As a natural reaction to loss and trauma, grief can get overwhelming and intense in unexpected ways. However, the complete opposite can also happen. People might not appear to feel anything when it comes to dealing with the loss of a loved one. They might even start to question themselves: Why do they not feel any grief? Is there something wrong with them?

However, just because the picture of grief does not line up with what you expected it to look like does not mean that your grief experience is wrong or invalid. Although it is seldom recognized and talked about, this pattern of complicated grief known as “absent grief” is not that uncommon. We talk about what it is, and what can be done about it, below.

What is “absent grief”?

The APA Dictionary of Psychology defines “absent grief” as: “A form of complicated grief in which a person shows no, or only few, signs of distress about the death of a loved one. This pattern of grief is thought to be an impaired response resulting from denial or avoidance of the emotional realities of a loss.” 

With absent grief, the stages of grief may never manifest. Instead, one ignores or suppresses one’s feelings at the time of loss, which complicates things further down the line. The feeler of absent grief may not immediately feel the consequences of suppressing their emotions for many reasons, such as that they may be more involved with consoling someone else during their grief, thus putting their own feelings aside.

What may happen as a result is that when it’s least expected—weeks, months, or even years down the line—they have an emotional breakdown that they can’t make sense of. It’s most likely that they won’t be able to tell the root of their despair links back to this particular loss, when they were unable to properly grieve.   

Acceptance

According to psychologist J.W. Worden, who modeled a way of treating complicated grief, the first task of moving forward with absent grief is finding acceptance of your loss.

When someone exhibits absent grief, they may not have accepted the death of their loved one, or the fact that their life is no longer the same as it was before their loss. If you are dealing with absent grief, you may find yourself carrying on with your day-to-day activities as if your loved one was still there. This may include setting out an extra dinner plate for them, or keeping their bedroom the same as it was before their death.'

The grieving process is delayed when there is a lack of acceptance of the death of a loved one. When you begin moving toward accepting that things are not the same, that is when you can move toward healing. 

Adjusting to your new reality

As you learn and grow from your suffering, understand that you’ll eventually begin to adjust to your new life without your loved one in it. It doesn’t mean that you have to let go of their memory or that you have to stop loving them. You can absolutely continue the bond with your loved one even after death.

For now, the most important thing is learning to adjust to your new role in life. Whatever the role you had prior to the death of your loved one, it may no longer be there. But it doesn’t mean that you can’t establish new roles. Assess where you fit in now, and start to rebuild your life in that direction. 

Moving forward 

When you’ve worked through your grief to the point of adjusting to your new role in life, then it’s time to move forward, getting unstuck from the past and finding the emotional strength to continue living your life in a meaningful way.

In the adjustment stage, it is encouraged to hold onto your loved one’s memory and not have to stop loving them. Some ways you can incorporate your loved one’s memory into your new life are:

  • Talk out loud to them as if they are still with you

  • Write them a letter every now and then to tell them how you’re doing

  • Say ‘good morning’ to them each day as you wake up 

  • Say ‘goodbye’ as you walk out the door and tell them you’ll be back soon

All in all, grief being absent or not feeling like what you expected it to be is relatively common and valid. Everyone experiences loss and trauma differently; everyone has their unique process of grief. After all, nothing can truly prepare us for something severely traumatizing as death. There is no way to rush the process and you shouldn’t have to. You can start by working on finding acceptance and acknowledging your grief and over time, moving toward healing. 

Jamie Lim

Jennifer GoodComment